LIBRARY 


.% 


\\ 


THE    SPORTSMAN'S   PRIMER 


SPORTSMAN'S 


PRIMER 


by 

NORMAN  H.  CROWELL 

^yr 

With   illustrations    by    Wallace    Morgan 


Copyright,  1906,  by 
FIELD  AND  STREAM  PUBLISHING  Co. 


Copyright,  1907,  by 
THE  OUTING  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

All  rights  reserved. 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

A  WORD  FROM  THE  AUTHOR     .         .         .         .     ix 
FOOTBALL         .......       3 

HUNTING  DUCKS g 

AUTOMOBILING 15 

FROG  CATCHING        .         .         .         .         .         .21 

BASEBALL         .         .         .         .         ...     29 

HUNTING  THE  GOAT 35 

TENNIS    ........     43 

WRESTLING 5! 

ANGLING  .......     59 

HIPPOPOTAMUS  HUNTING 65 

HORSE  RACING 73 

MOUNTAIN  LION  HUNTING         .         .         .         .81 

GOLF 87 

DOG  TRAINING          ......     95 

MOOSE  HUNTING       .         .         .         .         .         .    101 

ELEPHANT  HUNTING 109 

TRAP  SHOOTING        .         .         .         .         .         .115 

HUNTING  JAVELIN I2^ 

[v 


Contents 

PAGE 

BEAR  HUNTING  .         .  .         .         .129 

SKUNK  HUNTING  .         .         .         .         .         .    137 

OSTRICH  HUNTING 143 

CROCODILE  HUNTING         .....    149 

DEER  HUNTING 155 

Fox  HUNTING  .         .         .         .         .         .161 

CHICKEN  HUNTING 167 

CAT  HUNTING 173 

SNIPE  SHOOTING 181 

WHALING          .  ...  187 


vi] 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


Dashed  to  the  harsh,  cruel  world"    .        Frontispiece 


FACING 
PAGE 


'Quite  amusing  to  the  automobilists,  of  course"  .     16 

'The  umpire  is  the  man  who  gets  the  credit  along 
with  bouquets,  pop-bottles  and  hen-fruit"     .     30 

'This  is  termed  'making  a  monkey'  out  of  him"  .     46 

'The  two  sports  have  jogged  along  side  by  side 
ever  since "  .         .         .         .         .60 

'  Don't  ruin  a  $3  hat  because  you  win  a  $2  bet"  .  76 
'Ah,  the  joys  of  golf!"  .  .  .  .  .90 
'Select  a  tall,  healthy  tree"  ....  102 

'You  can  fill  your  neighbor's  leg  with  No.  8's  and 
lay  it  to  the  gun"         .         .         .         .         .118 

'  Hold  your  ground  until  you  discover  his  inten- 
tions"       .         .         .         .         .         .         .132 

'With  force  enough  to  make  him  think  he  has  met 
Maud  the  Mule"          .....    144 

'A  rare  joke  on  the  farmer"      ....    156 

[vii 


Illustrations 


PACING 
PAGE 


'A  fox  horse  once  started  is  worse  than  the  liquor 
habit —  162 

'Promptly  shoot  the  dog  and  he  will  renew  the 
chase,  yelping  with  glee"      .         .         .         .168 

'One  end  is  connected  with  the  brick — the  other 
with  the  cat"     .         .         .         .         .         .176 

'Cast  from  the  stern  of  the  boat,  using  a  delicate 
wrist  movement"  .  .188 


viii] 


A  WORD  FROM  THE  AUTHOR 

THE  insistent  demand  for  a  scientifically  accu- 
rate and  authoritative  text-book  of  sports 
furnishes  the  excuse  for  this  little  book. 

The  author,  who  has  spent  a  trifle  over  a 
hundred  years  gathering  the  data  with  which 
the  following  pages  bristle,  and  whose  life 
has  been  laid  down  gladly  several  times  in  an 
earnest  attempt  to  make  the  information  here 
given  absolutely  reliable,  bespeaks  the  chari- 
table silence  of  those  veterans  of  the  chase 
whose  nasal  organs  may  detect  a  distant 
flavor  of  rodent  in  his  sincerity. 

N.  H.  CROWELL. 


FOOTBALL 


THE  SPORTSMAN'S  PRIMER 


FOOTBALL 

FOOTBALL  is  the  most  popular  method 
of  committing  assault  with  intent  to  do 
great  bodily  injury.  A  man  who  would  dis- 
dain to  strike  a  defenceless  foe  twice  his  size 
will,  under  cover  of  a  game  of  football,  bite 
a  chunk  out  of  an  opponent  at  the  slightest 
opportunity. 

Like  broncho-busting,  the  game  is  strenu- 
ous and  is  accompanied  by  noise  and  graft. 

There  are  eleven  men  in  a  football  team — 
which  is  odd.  This  was  undoubtedly  ar- 
ranged so  that  if  one  was  killed  there  would 
be  ten  left  anyway. 

The  fullback  is  an  important  character  in 
this  game.  His  duty  consists  of  grabbing  the 
windbag  and  skedaddling  around,  through, 
under  and  across  the  skirmish  line,  with  the 
object  of  making  a  gain.  If  he  makes  ten 

[3 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


yards  under  the  new  rules  he  is  a  dandy,  and 
ought  to  get  his  tuition  handed  to  him  on  a 
platter. 

The  halfbacks  are  next  in  importance  and 
are  busy  young  men.  Working  the  fake  criss- 
cross is  their  heavy  suit.  This  is  done  by 
palming  the  ball  or  snapping  it  up  the  sleeve 
out  of  sight  while  they  break  for  the  enemy's 
goal. 

The  quarterback  is  the  boss  of  the  bunch, 
and  is  usually  a  small,  wiry,  quick-tempered 
man,  with  his  nose  done  up  in  a  crate.  He 
plays  right  up  under  the  center  rush  and 
handles  the  Ku  Klux  signals  that  run  the 
team. 

The  line  men  are  just  plain,  ordinary 
butchers  and  hack-drivers,  making  an  honest 
penny  on  the  side.  They  are  chosen  for 
weight  and  general  deficiency  in  mathematics. 

The  game  begins  by  kicking  the  daylights 
out  of  the  ball.  A  tall,  noble  youth,  with 
tawny  ringlets  dangling  over  his  brow,  welts 
it  one  with  his  brogan  and  sends  it  hurtling 
through  the  ranks  of  the  foe.  One  of  them 
4] 


Football 

seizes  it  and  starts  to  lug  it  back,  which  is 
foolish,  as  he  is  soon  clutched  by  the  shoulder 
blade  and  dashed  to  the  harsh,  cruel  world. 

Friendship  ceases  right  there.  The  men 
line  up  and  glare  at  each  other  like  bulldogs 
seeing  themselves  in  a  new  tin  pan.  The 
audience  howls  for  blood,  and  the  leader  of 
the  massacre  toots  on  a  dog-whistle  for  the 
fray  to  begin.  "  Four — 'leven- forty- four," 
and,  kerplunk — the  fullback  takes  a  running 
jump  into  the  mob  and  the  slaughter  is  on. 
Some  one  yells  "  down  "  every  little  bit,  which 
signifies  that  he  has  been  tied  into  a  bowknot 
and  wants  time  to  unravel  himself. 

If  a  man  gets  a  leg  pulled  out  of  joint  or 
gets  kicked  in  the  voice,  he  gets  a  minute  to 
recuperate.  A  second  offense  and  he  goes 
back  to  the  foundry,  wiser  and  sadder. 

Bucking  the  center  is  a  nice  play — for 
everybody  but  the  center.  A  large,  fatherly 
citizen,  weighing  about  260,  usually  plays 
center,  and  it  must  be  annoying  to  him  to 
have  a  man  run  up  and  jab  his  skull  to  the 
hilt  in  his  solar  plexus.  He  grins  in  demoniac 

[s 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


glee,  however,  when  the  fullback  misses  his 
aim  and  hits  a  bone. 

Hurdling  the  line  is  spectacular  but  a  trifle 
deadly.  It  is  rather  disconcerting  to  have  a 
man  stick  his  feet,  encased  in  shoes  with 
prongs  all  over  them,  into  your  digestive 
organs  when  you  do  not  expect  it.  This  is 
one  of  the  disadvantages  of  trying  to  stop  a 
hurdler  who  is  onto  his  job. 

If  a  player  is  incapacitated,  which  is  effete 
for  being  knocked  stiff,  he  is  led  tenderly  and 
solicitously  aside  and  asked  if  he  has  any 
word  to  send  to  mother.  After  which  he  is 
tossed  into  the  discard  and  a  fresh  victim 
led  on. 

When  a  game  ends  the  audience  explodes 
with  a  bang  and  tries  to  tear  up  the  crust  of 
the  earth. 

The  teams  rest  up  a  week  and  gradually 
gain  enough,  under  massage  and  poultices, 
to  go  at  it  again. 


HUNTING  DUCKS 


HUNTING  DUCKS 

DUCK  hunting,  although  practically  a 
lost  art,  is  still  practiced  by  the  lower 
classes.  The  rude,  uncultured  citizen  arises 
at  or  near  midnight,  when  graveyards  yawn, 
and  go  to  sleep  again  after  kicking  the  covers 
off.  He  dons  his  nefarious  raiment,  which 
consists  of  his  three-years-old-last-August 
pants  and  a  hat  his  grandfather  was  found 
dead  in. 

Silently  he  creeps  forth  through  the  stilly 
night,  having  plundered  the  pantry  of  its  edi- 
ble contents  and  knocked  over  half  a  dozen 
flower  pots  in  hunting  for  the  doorknob.  Far 
into  the  distant  fields  and  away  amid  the  moor 
and  marsh  he  hies  himself,  his  shifty  eye  ever 
and  anon  scanning  the  backward  trail.  But 
pursuit  there  is  none — the  hellhounds  of  the 
law  do  not  bay  on  his  track,  and  he  heaves  a 
sigh  of  relief  that  loosens  the  buttons  on  his 
antique  trousers. 

[9 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


Hidden  securely  amid  towering  rushes,  the 
hunter  seeks  out  a  tin  affair  painted  the  color 
of  a  dark-brown  alcoholic  thirst.  Climbing 
into  the  boat,  he  dislodges  it  from  its  seclu- 
sion and  paddles  out  through  the  tall  weeds 
into  the  open  water  beyond.  Hearing  the 
melodious  gossip  of  ducks  in  close  proximity, 
he  silently  drops  his  oars  and  grasps  his  gun, 
whereupon  the  boat  promptly  rolls  over  in  its 
sleep  and  lets  the  hunter  into  the  water  up  to 
his  watch  pocket. 

Having  waded  to  shore  and  wrung  himself 
out,  he  lugs  hay  and  makes  a  place  of  conceal- 
ment, whereon  he  sits  with  extreme  caution. 
He  soon  arises  abruptly  and  discovers  that 
water  has  percolated  through  and  touched  his 
system. 

At  this  juncture  a  large  flock  of  mallards 
rise  noisily  within  a  rod  and  leave  for  the  next 
state.  Two  hours  later  a  teal  about  the  size 
of  a  nickel's  worth  of  rock  candy  sails  up. 
He  shoots  and  gets  the  tail  feathers.  A  half 
hour  goes  by  and  he  learns  that  his  ammuni- 
tion has  escaped  through  a  hole  in  his  coat 

10] 


Hunting  Ducks 


pocket,  and  he  has  only  one  cartridge  left. 
In  desperation  he  puts  the  muzzle  to  his  ear 
and  pushes  the  trigger  with  his  toe,  but  it 
misses  fire,  and  he  goes  back  home  to  clean 
cess-pools  for  a  living. 

This  man's  fate  is  just  the  average.  Some 
do  better.  But  every  able-bodied  duck  enthu- 
siast manages  to  sprinkle  from  $3.00  to  $4.00 
worth  of  powder  and  lead  over  the  land  daily 
in  exchange  for  eighteen  cents'  worth  of  duck 
steak.  The  surest  place  to  shoot  a  duck  is 
when  tied  to  a  stake  by  the  leg.  There  are 
only  two  kinds  of  ducks  in  this  country — male 
and  female.  All  encyclopedias  agree  on  this 
point. 


[II 


AUTOMOBILING 


AUTOMOBILING 

THIS  is  a  restful  sport — like  coal-heav- 
ing or  braking  on  a  freight.  After  a 
quiet  day  of  automobiling  the  victim  feels  so 
recuperated  that  he  takes  it  to  be  rheumatism. 
After  supper  he  goes  down  to  an  oculist  to 
get  the  debris  out  of  his  eyes.  This  comes 
from  lying  on  his  back  under  the  auto  and 
squinting  up  into  its  hidden  mysteries. 

At  this  writing  there  are  all  kinds  of  autos 
lying  in  wait  for  the  unwary.  There  are 
autos  that  grunt,  puff,  snort,  wheeze  and  cuss 
under  their  breath  at  the  least  provocation. 
There  are  others  that  spit  like  a  cat  on  a  short 
hitching  post  with  a  tall  bulldog  roaming 
below. 

Some  autos  possess  a  most  distressing  cough 
that  reminds  one  cruelly  of  the  old  lady  at 
the  matinee  who  swallowed  the  peanut  hull. 
Any  one  of  these  brands  of  machines  will  do 
as  much  execution  as  any  other.  Of  course 

[15 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


a  man  can  make  a  better  score  in  a  large, 
heavy  auto  than  with  a  light  one.  Light 
machines  often  hesitate  about  running  down 
a  man  on  a  bicycle — a  touring  car,  never. 
This  is  a  distinct  advantage  and  must  not  be 
lost  sight  of. 

To  be  successful  as  an  automobilist,  a  man 
must  be  a  first-class  plumber  and  tinsmith,  an 
A  i  cabinet-maker  and  steamfitter,  and  must 
be  well  versed  in  the  gentle  art  of  repairing 
a  sprained  automobile  gizzard  with  a  monkey- 
wrench  and  a  penknife.  He  must  understand 
exactly  what  to  do  when  the  sparker  quits 
business  and  sits  down  to  get  its  breath.  If 
he  runs  shy  on  gasoline  on  a  lonely  road  he 
must  be  able  to  locate  a  fresh  supply  by 
instinct. 

If  the  auto  refuses  to  auto,  he  must  know 
how  to  locate  the  difficulty  at  the  first  jab,  and 
either  fix  it  or  make  it  worse. 

The  principal  fascination  about  automo- 
biling  is  the  opportunity  it  affords  of  sneaking 
up  behind  an  honest  farmer  and  tearing  off  a 
blast  on  the  foghorn  right  under  his  hip 
16] 


"Quite  amusing  to  the  automobilists,  of  course." 


Automobiling 

pocket.  A  farmer  has  been  known  to  jump 
nineteen  feet  under  such  circumstances,  which 
is  quite  amusing  to  the  automobilists,  of 
course. 

It  is  also  great  sport  to  observe  timid 
horses  try  to  climb  back  into  the  wagon  with 
the  driver.  This  is  perfectly  innocent  and 
harmless,  as  the  horses  never  succeed  in  doing 
any  damage  beyond  breaking  a  few  straps  or 
a  leg  or  so. 

In  starting  an  automobile,  the  starter  first 
winds  up  the  big  spring  in  front  with  a  crank. 
He  winds  ten  to  fifteen  minutes,  or  until  the 
machine  is  seized  with  a  violent,  hacking 
cough.  He  then  climbs  aboard  and  begins  to 
pull  levers.  After  pulling  them  all  back  to 
the  high-water  mark  the  machine  is  supposed 
to  wake  up  and  hump  itself.  In  case  it  does 
not,  however,  something  is  wrong  and  will 
have  to  be  looked  after. 

Auto  racing  is  a  pastime  wherein  those  who 
pull  through  alive  draw  prizes — the  others 
get  monuments.  Very  few  draw  prizes. 

In  conclusion,  it  is  advisable  to  not  look 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


upon  the  auto  when  it  is  red — or  any  other 
color — and  is  coming  up  behind  you  like 
Satan  beating  tanbark.  For  an  auto  has  a 
jolt  that  would  make  a  freight  train  tuck  its 
head  under  the  sofa. 


18] 


FROG  CATCHING 


FROG  CATCHING 

FROGS  are  small  green  insects  that  spend 
their  summers  at  the  pondside.  In  ap- 
pearance they  resemble  a  small  slab  of  green 
hide  stretched  over  the  interior  of  a  frog. 

Possessing  the  salient  characteristics  of  the 
flea  and  the  kangaroo,  the  frog  differs  from 
these  two  pests  in  being  of  a  nautical  cast  of 
countenance.  The  frog  is  a  hardy  annual, 
and  notwithstanding  his  constant  exposure  to 
conditions  peculiarly  inimical  to  diseases  of 
the  pulmonary  organs,  a  consumptive  frog 
has  never  yet  been  introduced  into  polite 
society. 

The  frog  possesses  a  retreating,  almost 
stampeding,  forehead.  This  handicap  he 
overcomes  by  preserving  a  grim  and  studious 
air  that  would  draw  tears  of  envy  to  a  pro- 
fessor of  psychology. 

The  frog's  chief  aim  in  life  is  to  serve  as  a 
disguise  for  fish  hooks — a  role  at  which  they 
have  never  been  equalled  and  seldom  beaten. 

[21 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


A  small  number  two  frog  will  conceal  a  three- 
inch  cast-iron  anchor  about  his  person  and 
look  a  big  blonde  pickerel  square  in  the  eye 
with  a  smile  that  never  fails  to  win  his  entire 
confidence.  The  pickerel  unhooks  his  lower 
jaw  and  cordially  closes  down  upon  the  frog. 
The  next  instant  he  draws  a  deep  breath  and 
experiences  that  tired  feeling  so  noticeable  in 
the  happy  bee-stung  bullcalf.  He  makes  an 
attempt  to  emit  the  frog,  but  at  this  stage  of 
the  game  the  freckled  lad  in  the  torn  overalls 
wakes  up  and  sags  back  on  the  pole.  The  day 
ends  sadly  but  gloriously  for  Mr.  Pickerel. 

Another  function  which  is  admirably  per- 
formed by  the  frog  is  in  satisfying  the  steady 
demand  for  hind  legs.  Frog's  post-mortem 
attachments  are  second  only  to  a  mess  of  seal 
flipper  or  elephant  foot  as  a  table  delicacy. 

In  the  pursuit  of  frog's  legs  the  entire  frog 
is  often  seriously,  if  not  permanently,  discom- 
moded, but  the  frog-hunter  must  have  a  heart 
of  steel  and  a  toadstabber  of  iron.  No  chick- 
en-hearted person  exists  in  the  frog-catching 
business. 
22] 


Frog  Catching 


There  are  many  ways  of  gathering  this 
fruit.  Being  an  aquatic  animal,  an  attempt 
to  run  him  down  in  an  automobile  is  mani- 
festly impracticable.  The  auto  is  useful  only 
when  a  large,  tawny  specimen  happens  to 
stray  into  the  public  highway. 

It  is  exceedingly  difficult  to  gain  a  frog's 
confidence  by  patting  him  on  the  eyelashes 
and  otherwise  caressing  him.  He  is  loaded  to 
the  chin  with  suspicion  of  the  most  virulent 
order,  and  rarely  permits  familiarities  from 
persons  who  fail  to  fur- 
nish references  of  the 
highest  kind. 

A  frog  with  a  nickel's 
worth  of  brains  will  in- 
stantly detect  the  inten- 
tions   of    a    man    who 
wades    into    his 
horizon    with    a 
wild  glare  in  his 


[23 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


eyes  and  a  fork-handle  clutched  in  his  fist. 
Curiosity  may  hold  him  until  the  man  has 
expectorated  on  his  hands  and  is  swinging  the 
fork-handle  aloft.  Then  a  sound  not  unlike 
dropping  a  custard  pie  down  a  well  signals 
the  departure  of  froggie  for  parts  unknown 
to  the  plaintiff. 

To  be  a  successful  frog-hunter  one  must 
devote  his  early  life  assiduously  to  the  culti- 
vation of  skill  and  dexterity,  backed  by  a 
digestion  capable  of  sustaining  long-continued 
fasts.  A  smattering  of  Latin  and  Greek 
roots  is  also  a  necessary  adjunct  to  this  pre- 
carious calling.  The  ordinary  language  is 
not  complete  enough. 

To  deceive  an  adult  frog  requires  a  degree 
of  intelligence  impossible  to  describe  in  the 
limits  of  this  article.  Suffice  it  to  say  that 
there  are  occasional  individuals  who  are  so 
proficient  in  their  chosen  calling  that  they 
are  enabled  to  lure  froggie  by  squatting  in 
the  edge  of  the  horsepond  and  making  a  noise 
like  a  mossy  stump.  These  persons,  however, 
are  extremely  rare. 
24] 


Frog  Catching 

The  coarse,  commercial  froggist  arises  be- 
times (in  this  instance  at  about  4:22^  A.M.) 
and  girds  up  his  loins  with  an  old  gunny  sack. 
His  further  paraphernalia  consists  of  a  dark 
lantern  and  a  section  of  buggy  whip.  Armed 
with  these,  he  descends  upon  the  haunts  of  his 
slippery  game  and  proceeds  to  business  with 
the  passionate  enthusiasm  of  youth. 

He  sneaks  quietly  along  the  edge  of  the 
pond,  the  lantern  illuminating  the  desert  and 
the  waste  places  with  a  flood  of  light.  Pres- 
ently he  descries  two  fiery  eyes  protruding 
from  the  forward  end  of  a  large  envy-tinted 
frog  of  the  bull  variety.  Craftily  he  steals 
forward  with  his  eyes  riveted  upon  the 
clammy  form  of  his  victim.  Swish !  goes  the 
buggy-whip — a  sickening  thud  and  the  deed 
is  done  and  recorded  in  the  office  of  the 
Register. 

The  frog  is  next  carefully  separated  from 
the  mud  and  dropped  into  the  gunny  sack, 
where  he  soon  recovers  consciousness  and 
crawls  to  a  hole  in  one  corner,  through  which 
he  percolates.  The  hunter  stalks  grimly  on 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


and  many  a  frog  falls  before  his  unerring  aim 
and  goes  to  his  long  home,  i.e.,  the  sack. 

An  hour  or  two  later  the  hunter  starts  sus- 
piciously and  rams  his  arm  into  the  yawning 
depths  of  the  gunny  sack.  Then  he  hurriedly 
unslings  the  sack  and  inserts  his  head  into  its 
cavernous  regions.  A  moment  later  he 
emerges  enveloped  in  a  lilac-tinted  cloud  of 
ribald  conversation,  accompanied  by  a  villain- 
ous glare  at  the  myriads  of  inquiring  optics 
that  have  suddenly  risen  to  the  surface  of  the 
pond. 

It  is  too  true — too  horribly  true — and  with 
a  gasping  sob  the  froggist  presses  his  hand 
to  his  fevered  brow  and  staggers  wearily 
homeward. 

Next  morning  the  frogs  are  up  and  in  fine 
working  condition  again,  ready  and  eager  to 
be  slugged  and  captivated,  a  proceeding  which 
is,  no  doubt,  a  welcome  break  in  the  monotony 
of  their  lives. 


26] 


BASEBALL 


BASEBALL 

AS  a  National  game  baseball  is  the  closest 
rival  to  poker.  It  is  a  rather  expen- 
sive disease  to  have  but  the  patient  enjoys 
himself  while  he  lingers. 

The  nine  gaunt,  haggard,  slightly  bow- 
legged  individuals  who  compose  the  "  team  " 
are  heroes  one  day  and  beneath  public  notice 
the  next.  It  all  depends  on  how  many  tallies 
they  got  in  the  game. 

The  game  is  really  a  duel  between  the 
pitcher  and  the  opposing  side.  The  players 
come  up  in  front  of  him  in  rotation  and  the 
pitcher  is  allowed  to  attempt  to  kill  them  by 
striking  them  anywhere  between  the  chin  and 
the  knees.  The  batter  is  permitted  to  use  a 
club  to  defend  himself  with.  Occasionally 
the  batter  gets  real  indignant  and  strikes  at 
the  ball,  whereat  the  umpire  guffaws  loudly 
and  announces  the  happening  to  the  audience. 
If  the  batter  accidentally  hits  the  ball  he  at 

[29 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


once  drops  the  club  and  runs  for  his  life,  as 
the  catcher  is  then  allowed  to  kick  him  with 
his  hobnailed  shoes. 

The  pitcher's  task  is  to  hurl  the  ball  in  such 
a  manner,  style  and  custom  that  an  attempt 
to  land  on  it  heavily  will  result  in  a  sprained 
back  or  shoulder.  To  do  this  effectively  most 
pitchers  now  use  the  spit  ball.  This  is  done 
by  copiously  expectorating  on  the  sphere  prior 
to  heaving  it  at  the  batsman's  cranium.  This 
causes  the  ball  to  appear  like  a  china  saucer 
when  coming  toward  the  batter  and  he  is  gen- 
erally afraid  to  hit  it  for  fear  of  getting  the 
pieces  in  his  eyes. 

Pitchers  use  a  variety  of  movements  when 
about  to  sling  the  ball.  Experts  pick  up  a 
leg  and  hook  it  over  the  back  of  the  neck, 
stoop  and  peek  at  the  batter  from  under  the 
other  knee,  then  unfurl  rapidly  and  shoot  the 
ball  across  the  plate  while  the  batter  is  switch- 
ing his  cud  of  tobacco  to  the  other  cheek. 

When  the  batter  has  three  strikes  he  throws 
the  club  at  the  umpire  and  strolls  to  the 
bench.  If  a  man  hits  the  ball  hard  and 
30] 


Baseball 

crooked  enough  he  gets  to  first  base.  If  he 
is  a  big  man  and  the  first  baseman  is  a  little 
fellow  he  jumps  all  over  the  latter  and  tries 
to  stamp  him  into  the  earth.  Foiled  in  this, 
he  gets  his  wind  and  steals  second  on  the  first 
ball  pitched.  To  do  this  he  goes  the  last 
thirty  feet  on  his  brisket  and  gets  a  pint  of 
dirt  inside  his  shirt. 

The  next  man  up  may  clout  a  high  one  to 
the  field  whereupon  the  runner  at  second 
scoots  for  third,  reaches  it  and  ogles  the 
ladies.  While  doing  this  he  is  called  out  by 
the  umpire,  having  been  neatly  doubled  by 
the  center  fielder,  a  saddened  cuss,  who  hates 
ladies  and  spits  through  his  teeth. 

The  catcher's  duties  are  numerous  and 
severe.  He  must  keep  an  eye  on  the  umpire, 
the  batter,  the  pitcher,  the  ball  and  his  watch 
and  chain.  Catcher's  soon  get  cross-eyed  try- 
ing to  do  this  all  at  once.  A  cricket-eyed 
catcher  would  draw  a  handsome  salary  in  any 
league. 

A  good  catcher  must  be  able  to  jump  eleven 
feet  straight  up  and  spear  a  wild  one  or  drop 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


down  and  dig  them  out  of  the  ground  on  low 
throws. 

He  must  be  able  to  throw  the  ball  into  the 
neck  of  an  olive  bottle  at  a  hundred  yards, 
and  a  very  expert  catcher  will  line  the  ball  to 
first  while  taking  a  chew  with  his  free  hand 
and  nodding  pleasantly  to  a  lady  acquaintance 
in  the  left  bleachers. 

The  umpire  is  the  man  who  gets  the  credit 
along  with  bouquets,  pop-bottles  and  hen- 
fruit.  He  does  his  best,  of  course,  bad  as  it 
is.  No  umpire  will  deliberately  call  a  man 
safe  when  he  was  tagged  a  rod  from  the  base 
unless  he  has  money  on  the  game  and  needs 
the  score.  It  wouldn't  be  right  at  all. 

Baseball  is  a  most  uncertain  game.  It  is 
not  out  till  it  is  played  out.  Many  a  hope- 
lessly lost  game  has  been  won  in  the  ninth 
inning  by  an  unexpected  swat.  This  uncer- 
tainy  keeps  the  crowd  to  a  fever  heat  till  the 
last  man  is  out.  Then,  if  the  favorites  have 
won,  they  did  it  fairly— if  they  have  lost,  the 
umpire  was  "rotten." 

Admission,  fifty  cents. 
32] 


HUNTING  THE  GOAT 


HUNTING  THE  GOAT 

CRACK!  went  his  trusty  rifle  and  the 
bullet  sped  on  its  unerring  way  toward 
the  heart  of  the  unsuspecting  goat  perched 
on  a  crag  nine  thousand  feet  up — but — at  this 
moment  the  goat,  warned  by  the  hum  of 
the  missile,  emitted  a  frightened  blat  and 
jumped  up  seven  hundred  and  ninety  feet 
to  a  neighboring  cliff  and  escaped. 

Not  quite  that  bad — but  almost.  Any  re- 
turned goat-hunter  will  make  that  story  look 
like  a  red  flannel  nightie  at  a  summer  hotel 
fire. 

Right  at  the  outset  let  it  be  understood  that 
the  goat  referred  to  in  this  treatise  is  not  the 
everyday  domestic  Billy  that  haunts  the  back- 
yard and  butts  the  baby  into  the  horse  trough 
ever  and  anon.  By  no  means.  This  goat  is 
far  too  wary  a  beast  to  make  his  bed  in  the 
asparagus  or  lunch  off  the  family  wash  ex- 
posed on  the  line. 

[35 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


The  animal  concerned  herein  is  the  gaunt, 
unshaven,  uncivilized  article  that  roams  the 
dizzy  heights  of  the  tallest  mountains,  hop- 
ping like  a  sparrow  from  peak  to  peak  or 
vaulting  the  deadly  avalanche  with  the  feath- 
ery ease  of  a  soap  bubble.  He  is  a  secretive, 
saddened  creature,  preferring  the  society  of 
his  immediate  family  and  a  few  privileged 
friends. 

Hunting  the  goat  is  a  pastime  that  sprinkles 
gray  hair  through  a  man's  topknot  faster 
than  life  on  a  submarine.  A  man  who  is 
shy  on  legs  has  no  business  looking  for  goats. 
Neither  should  a  man  with  a  violent  or  im- 
patient nature  pursue  this  game.  He  must 
remember  that  he  may  not  see  the  goat  dur- 
ing his  generation  but  that  his  children's 
children  may  do  the  trick  if  they  are  good 
and  lucky. 

Contrary  to  expectation  the  goat  is  a  vain 
animal.  Nothing  delights  him  better  than 
having  his  picture  taken — in  the  nude.  Let 
a  man  set  up  a  camera  anywhere  above  the 
timber  line  and  goats  will  drift  in  from  all 
36] 


Hunting  the  Goat 


points  of  the  compass  and  contest  bitterly  for 
choice  spots  in  front  of  it.  Photographers  I 
have  known,  state  that  one  of  the  greatest 


difficulties  in  photoing  these  animals  is  in 
making  them  appear  frightened.  A  goat 
calmly  sitting  on  the  nest  has  no  value  from 

[37 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


an  artistic  standpoint.  The  artist-man  must 
have  him  up  and  alert.  Any  one  can  imagine 
how  discouraging  it  must  be  trying  to  make 
a  goat  with  glass  eyes  assume  a  startled  posi- 
tion in  front  of  a  huge  rock  painted  on  a 
canvas.  The  goat  absolutely  refuses  and  is 
apt  to  shed  a  gallon  or  so  of  sawdust  on  the 
studio  floor  if  pressed  too  hard. 

Several  fine  snapshots  of  rapidly  moving 
stuffed  goats  have,  however,  been  taken. 
This  requires  great  dexterity  indeed. 

The  live  goat  has  never  been  approached 
closer  than  the  44O-yard  mark.  His  pres- 
ence may  be  suspected  from  the  delicate 
Jockey  Club  bouquet  that  floats  down  on  the 
zephyrs  like  the  aroma  of  a  brick  cheese. 
Mountains  that  have  been  infested  by  goats 
for  some  time  are  often  distinguished  in  this 
manner  at  a  distance  of  six  miles. 

A  person  of  average  grit  and  tenacity  may 
reasonably  hope  to  see  a  goat  in  its  native 
pasture.  If  the  person  is  as  wise  as  he  is 
gritty  he  will  lug  along  a  telescope  capable  of 
magnifying  about  ninety  diameters.  Other- 

38] 


Hunting  the  Goat 


wise  the  goat  will  have  the  general  outline  of 
a  flea  on  a  mule's  ear. 

When  shot  through  the  heart  a  goat  will 
jump  down  hill  a  mile  or  so  and  the  hunter 
will  find  a  bunch  of  whiskers  and  a  damp 
spot  where  he  lit.  This  practice  discourages 
goating  to  a  large  extent.  If  a  goat  would 
lay  down  and  die  peaceable  when  killed  it 
would  save  a  lot  of  trouble  and  be  appreci- 
ated. To  haul  off  and  jump  over  into  the 
next  school  district  is  a  noticeable  breach  of 
etiquette. 

If  a  lone  hunter  should  meet  a  goat  with 
yellow  daffodils  on  a  narrow  ledge  a  league 
above  a  jagged  rock  it  would  be  wise  to  exer- 
cise caution.  A  hostile  movement  would  be 
fatal.  Throw  the  goat  a  nice  tender  tomato 
can  or  a  colored  supplement,  and  while  he  is 
masticating  it,  crawfish. 

Goat  hunting  will  undoubtedly  continue 
long  after  the  goat  is  extinct.  The  differ- 
ence will  never  be  detected. 


[39 


TENNIS 


TENNIS 

TENNIS  is  Willie's  and  Weggie's  game. 
They  invented  it  to  have  something  to 
keep  their  bright  blue  blood  circulating  prop- 
erly and  at  the  same  time  allow  the  starved 
optics  of  the  gentler  sex  to  feast  upon  their 
Greco-Roman  shapes.  The  game  has  become 
widely  known,  and  is  often  played  and  ap- 
parently enjoyed  by  men  who  ought  to  know 
better. 

Large,  bony  men  with  lamb's  wool  grow- 
ing on  both  chops  have  been  seen  to  get 
out  and  hammer  tennis  balls  all  day  as  if 
they  liked  it.  Big  fellows  whose  wives  have 
to  button  up  the  last  four  buttons  on  their 
vests  every  morning  have  been  caught  in  the 
act  of  committing  tennis. 

A  Willie  with  his  delicate  aromatic  hoofs 
snugly  encased  in  canvas  never-slips,  his  snowy 
table-cloth  pants  draped  rakishly  about  his 

[43 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


spirituelle  form  and  a  well-fed,  pleasant 
smile  vainly  struggling  to  show  itself  through 
the  mazes  of  the  downy  jungle  on  his  upper 
lip,  is  a  sight  for  granulated  eyelids.  Across 
the  net,  which  is  strung  up  to  keep  the  com- 
batants from  actually  hitting  each  other 
cruelly  in  the  face  with  their  bare  hands, 
stands  the  opponent.  He  is  also  trying  his 
level  best  to  appear  like  a  picture  cut  out  of 
a  Chicago  clothing  catalogue. 

The  Willie-boy,  with  a  big,  ventilated  pan- 
cake spanker  in  his  good  right  hand  and  a 
brace  of  cute  little  pellets  that  feel  like  the 
spine  of  a  pet  caterpillar,  surveys  the  sur- 
rounding horizon  to  see  if  all  the  ladies  of 
marriageable  age  and  intention  are  looking 
his  way.  If  they  are,  the  game  begins  at 
once.  If  not,  he  rolls  his  pants  up  another 
notch,  rolls  them  down  again  and  takes 
another  look. 

The  object  of  tennis  is  to  swat,  slug,  lam- 
baste, and  otherwise  propel  the  balls  across 
the  net  in  such  a  manner  that  the  opponent 
will  be  so  bamboozled,  kaflummixed  and  flab- 
44] 


Tennis 

bergasted  that  he  will  take  on  a  close  re- 
semblance to  his  hairy  ancestors.  This  is 
termed  "making  a  monkey"  out  of  him,  and 
is  usually  a  very  simple  operation. 

But  if  the  opponent  intends  to  cinch  the 
young  heiress  who  is  eying  him  from  under 
her  $400  parasol  he  will  strain  himself  all 
out  of  shape  to  hand  the  ball  a  sickening  thud 
when  it  comes  over,  and  the  chances  are  about 
40  to  i  he  will  drive  it  across  the  river  or 
uptown.  But  the  ladies  will  applaud  hilari- 
ously and  call  him  a  sweet  thing  and  he  gets 
over  his  embarrassment  at  once. 

As  a  general  thing  the  spectacle  of  a  tall 
young  man  whose  legs  start  in  right  under 
his  armpits  is  melancholy  in  the  extreme. 
But  the  sight  of  one  of  these  high-geared, 
double-swung  individuals  playing  tennis  is 
something  to  relate  to  your  grandchildren  of 
a  winter's  night.  The  next  most-hilarious 
vista  to  spring  on  human  ken  is  to  witness 
one  of  these  rutabaga-built  men  walloping 
the  innocent  tennis  ball.  It  will  draw  tears 
from  the  watchdog. 

[45 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


When  ladies  play  tennis  they  giggle  and 
adjust  their  skirts  a  foot  or  so  nearer  the 
zenith  for  a  fresh  waistline.  The  next  hour 
is  spent  examining  and  comparing  cost  marks, 
after  which  the  blood-curdling  work  is  in- 
augurated. 

At  this  stage  of  action  all  prudent  men 
and  boys  who  are  in  the  physiology  classes 
fold  their  cigarette  cases  and  silently  steal 
away. 

Women  struggling  with  the  deadly  tennis 
insect  is  not  a  sight  to  be  calmly  faced  by  the 
average,  untamed  male  optic. 

At  a  distance  tennis  bears  a  close  resem- 
blance to  dodging  a  mad  dog.  It  is  not  quite 
as  exhilarating  as  the  latter  amusement,  but 
has  more  frequent  opportunities  for  replen- 
ishing the  breath. 

Although  goaded  to  desperation  in  a  ten- 
nis match  the  wise  man  will  shun  profanity. 
All  the  ladies  are  waiting  eagerly,  even  fever- 
ishly, to  catch  the  first  faint  blush  of  angry 
repartee  and  the  man  who  goes  down  to  the 
tennis  ground  takes  his  reputation  in  his  hand 
46] 


This  is  termed  'making  a  monkey'  out  ot  him." 


Tennis 

and  chokes  it  to  death  if  he  breathes  above 
a  whisper. 

For  the  profane  man  there  is  golf,  steeple- 
chasing  and  Arctic  exploration.  Let  us  have 
nothing  but  love  in  our  tennis  and  but  little 
of  that. 

A  word  of  advice  to  intending  victims  will 
be  appreciated  after  the  post  mortem : 

When  your  opponent  laughs  at  you  for 
slipping  and  coloring  your  pants  green  never 
try  to  crowd  your  racket  down  his  throat.  If 
you  should  succeed  you  would  be  the  loser, 
for  you  would  be  forced  to  buy  another  racket 
before  the  game  could  go  on. 

If  you  are  getting  the  worst  of  it  try  kill- 
ing the  ball.  The  ladies  will  say  you  are 
strong  and  reckless,  and  they  will  hate  the 
other  fellow  if  he  wins.  You  can  make  a 
great  play  this  way. 

About  once  every  fifteen  minutes,  or  oftener 
if  occasion  demands,  pretend  that  you  have 
sprained  your  leg.  This  will  get  all  the 
ladies  on  your  side,  and  they  will  admire  you 
for  being  a  brave  and  gritty  chap. 

[47 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


When  you  get  through,  take  away  the  balls 
and  hide  them  so  no  one  else  can  play. 
Everybody  likes  a  careful  person  and  you  will 
make  a  lot  of  friends  when  you  leave  the 
country  for  good. 


48] 


WRESTLING 


WRESTLING 

THE  first  well-authenticated  wrestling 
match  was  between  Jonah  and  the 
whale.  The  whale  finally  succeeded  in 
throwing  Jonah  on  the  beach.  Since  then 
wrestling  has  been  going  on  without  inter- 
mission between  the  boarder  and  the  hotel 
beefsteak. 

The  cadaverous,  willowy  person  should 
avoid  wrestling.  A  man  whose  architecture 
is  of  the  rambling,  care-free  sort  should  shun 
the  wrestling  match  with  as  much  caution  as 
he  would  a  tame  rattlesnake.  The  ideal 
wrestler  is  short  and  with  a  back  like  a  sam- 
ple trunk.  He  should  never  use  intoxicating 
beverages  whether  in  liquid  or  powder  form, 
and  he  should  strictly  taboo  tobacco  in  the 
leaf  or  plug.  Profanity  and  the  society  of 
sewing  circles  are  deleterious  to  the  wrestler. 
His  diet  should  consist  of  cold-rolled  oats, 
raw  meat  of  any  kind  (if  horse  or  dog  it 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


may  be  seasoned  with  nutmeg)  and  iron  fil- 
ings. 

As  the  ambitious  student  of  wrestling  ap- 
proaches the  age  of  consent  and  can  lug  two 
pails  of  slop  to  the  hogs  without  batting  his 
knees  black  and  blue,  he  may  begin  to  take 
light  general  exercises.  The  beginner  must 
be  thorough  and  adhere  to  his  routine  like 
a  pup  to  a  root. 

Rising  with  the  lark  (the  common  horsefly 
will  do  in  a  pinch)  the  student  must  take  a 
cold  plunge.  This  is  taken  in  different  ways. 
Some  earnest  young  wrestlers  crawl  into  the 
cistern  by  a  rope  ladder  and  enjoy  a  lovely 
swim.  This  is  excellent,  providing  the  lad- 
der holds  and  the  student's  papa  remains 
ignorant  of  the  proceedings.  A  safer  way  is 
the  good  old  rain  barrel,  but  where  this  is 
not  to  be  had  a  short  dash  around  the  block 
is  efficacious,  the  goose-flesh  being  rasped 
down  with  a  coarse  towel  or  the  lamp  mat 
afterwards. 

Breakfast  ordinarily  follows  this,  and  here 
is  where  the  foundation  for  the  future  cham- 
52] 


Wrestling 

pion's  success  is  laid.  Eat  slowly,  placing 
the  feed  well  back  in  the  mouth  with  the 
knife  so  as  not  to  miss  any  of  it.  Chew 
with  a  circular  motion  like  the  horse  or  cow, 
closing  the  eyes  and  tapping  the  floor  lightly 
with  the  toes  to  show  your  peaceful  frame 
of  mind.  Directions  as  to  diet  cannot  be 
given  here,  but  all  inquiries  enclosing  stamp 
and  photo  of  the  sender  naked  to  the  waist 
will  be  promptly  crammed  in  the  waste  basket. 

Six  months  of  hard  training  and  the  be- 
ginner will  feel  his  barley.  A  match  should 
be  arranged  at  once  with  some  small  boy  in 
the  vicinity.  If  the  boy  wins,  choose 
another — a  cripple,  if  one  can  be  secured. 

We  will  now  suppose  you  ready  for  the 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


match — hat  and  coat  off  and  pants  rolled  up 
over  your  knees.  You  toss  up  your  two- 
headed  nickel  and  take  your  choice  of  holds. 
Secure  a  firm  clutch  on  your  opponent's  pants, 
yell  "ready"  and  throw  him  before  he  knows 
you  have  begun.  This  trick  wins  many  a 
wrestling  match. 

But  in  case  you  fail,  you  find  the  enemy 
astride  your  neck  with  both  heels  under  your 
chin.  Ha!  Ha!  You  have  him  at  your 
mercy!  All  you  have  to  do  is  turn  a  hand- 
spring and  land  on  your  opponent's  stomach 
with  your  feet.  This  is  the  celebrated  pivot 
blow,  and  is  used  by  all  great  wrestlers. 

Another  popular  method  is  to  bite  your 
man  in  the  ribs  and  throw  him  when  he 
reaches  back  to  lam  you  in  the  eye.  Another 
way  is  to  tickle  your  enemy  until  he  faints 
and  then  roll  him  over. 

It  is  questionable  practice  to  wrestle  men 
as  heavy  as  you  are.  Always  select  a  small 
man. 

If  you  bite  your  antagonist,  observe  the 
flavor.  If  he  tastes  of  tobacco  you  are  sure 

54] 


Wrestling 

to  win,  for  his  system  is  undermined  and  he 
can't  stand  the  strain. 

,  After  winning  a  match  make  a  short 
speech,  wherein  you  remark  that  the  defeated 
is  one  of  the  best  men  you  have  ever  met — he 
will  appreciate  it  hugely. 


[55 


ANGLING 


ANGLING 

ANGLING  was  invented  by  Izaak  Wal- 
ton, a  tallow  chandler,  who  attended 
the  Boston  Tea  Party  barefooted  and  stepped 
on  a  bullhead  on  the  dock.  In  revenge  he 
concocted  the  hook  and  line.  About  ten  min- 
utes later  some  one  invented  alcohol,  and  the 
two  sports  have  jogged  along  side  by  side 
ever  since — rarely  being  far  separated. 

There  are  various  methods  of  angling.  All 
are  alike.  The  object  of  each  system  is  to 
get  rid  of  bait  and  secure  fish.  Forks,  shot- 
guns, nets,  hooks  and  the  naked  fingers  are 
resorted  to. 

Fish  are  led  to  their  doom  by  the  free  and 
untrammeled  use  of  an  article  called  bait. 
Bait  is  generally  composed  of  worms.  To  be 
eligible  as  bait  a  worm  must  possess  a  white, 
smooth  attenuated  body  which  is  capable  of 
long  continued  immersion  in  water  while 
coiled  around  a  jagged  hook.  A  worm  built 

[59 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


like  a  sausage  is  useless  for  bait  and  should 
be  tossed  scornfully  aside. 

Inserting  the  hook  through  the  horizontal 
extravagance  of  the  worm's  pulsating  figure 
occupies  about  half  the  time,  when  angling 
with  ladies  or  women.  A  lady  will  place  a 
worm  lengthwise  on  a  plank  and  pat  it  lightly 
to  tame  it.  Then,  when  the  worm  is  tickled 
all  over  she  touches  the  cruel  barb  to  the  poor 
thing's  vice  versa  and  grits  her  teeth.  All  at 
once  the  worm  begins  to  fade  away  into  him- 
self, and  she  jumps  and  screams  for  help. 
Help  arrives  and  the  worm  is  ruthlessly  im- 
paled. 

If  your  hook  gets  a  severe  strike  and  you 
play  it  faithfully  and  finally  land  a  water- 
logged pair  of  pants,  this  is  not  angling  at 
all.  It  is  what  Sherman  said  war  was. 

Pickerel  are  classed  as  game  fish,  because 
they  play  tag  with  the  bait  before  pouncing 
upon  it  like  a  small  boy  on  the  cat.  A  three- 
foot  pickerel  will  swallow  a  cigar  box,  and 
lick  his  chops  for  more.  When  hooked,  the 
pickerel  suddenly  recalls  a  pressing  engage- 
60] 


Angling 

ment  back  home  and  unless  you  are  awake 
you  will  be  shy  your  tackle. 

Never  reach  out  and  grab  a  large  blonde 
pickerel  by  the  eyes  to  drag  him  into  the 
boat.  If  you  save  your  fingers  you  will  be 
lucky.  A  pickerel  will  lie  for  hours  with  his 
face  open  about  six  to  ten  inches  waiting  for 
some  fool  to  run  a  hand  into  him.  Never 
accommodate  him  in  this  respect.  A  pick- 
erel is  never  safe  until  he  is  in  chunks  on  the 
table. 

Bullheads  were  made  simply  to  expire 
along  the  shore  where  a  fellow  can  step  on 
their  horns.  Trout  are  the  most  athletic  fish 
known.  A  trout  without  any  chronic  disease 
of  long-standing  will  hurdle  a  ten-foot  dam 
with  ease. 

Most  of  the  successful  fishing  is  done  down 
in  front  of  the  town  livery  stable.  Some  is 
done  around  the  grocery  stove.  The  biggest 
fish  are  the  ones  that  are  dragged  half-way 
into  the  boat  before  the  line  broke. 

A  man,  after  a  supper  of  prunes  and  cheese, 
has  been  known  to  remember  of  catching  a 

[61 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


thirty-two  pound  pike  down  back  of  Jagg's 
feed  mill,  and  of  hooking  another  that  pulled 
so  hard  it  hurt  him  internally  and  he  has 
never  been  able  to  do  a  stroke  of  hard  work 
since.  This  calls  to  mind  that  once,  etc., 
etc.,  till  midnight. 


62] 


HIPPOPOTAMUS  HUNTING 


HIPPOPOTAMUS  HUNTING 

FEW  of  us  who  delight  in  our  juicy  hip- 
popotamus steak  of  a  winter's  morning 
give  a  second's  thought  to  the  daring  men  who 
brave  the  miasma-laden  jungles  of  Africa  to 
pluck  this  succulent  edible  from  its  native  lair. 

There  is  but  one  more  dangerous  calling 
known,  that  being  the  office  of  poison-taster 
to  the  King  of  Ujube,  vacancies  in  which  are 
filled  only  by  exercising  the  utmost  persuasion 
on  the  part  of  His  Jet  Black  Majesty. 

Few  hippo  hunters  return  to  civilization 
with  their  cuticle  in  one  consecutive  piece. 
Fatalities  are  frequent.  Of  the  many  who 
receive  fatal  injuries  not  over  half  survive. 
A  man  must  be  endowed  with  rare  vitality  to 
recover  after  being  tasted  by  a  hippo.  One 
of  these  swamp  fairies  has  been  known  to 
select  a  choice  spot  and  nip  out  a  wheelbar- 
rowful  of  human  being  without  discommod- 
ing himself  in  the  least.  This  trait  on  the 
part  of  the  game  tends  to  discourage  those 

[65 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


who  would  otherwise  find  considerable  en- 
joyment in  the  sport. 

Constant  exposure  to  the  sun  and  the  eyes 
of  the  natives  bestows  upon  the  hippo  hunter 
a  complexion  rivaled  only  by  an  old  saddle. 
A  mixture  of  rosewater,  benzoin  and  tropical 
mud  is  considered  a  capital  dope  for  a  sun- 
burnt exterior. 

On  a  hot  morning  in  August  the  hippo 
hunter  saunters  forth  in  quest  of  a  nice  string 
of  his  favorite  game.  He  penetrates  deep 
into  the  bullrushes  that  line  the  slumberous 
streams  so  dear  to  the  heart  of  his  quarry. 
Far  out  on  the  glassy  surface  of  the  water  he 
descries  his  victim.  The  victim  appears  like 
a  brace  of  decaying  turnips  floating  down 
stream.  This  is  because  the  hippo's  eyes  are 
stuck  onto  him  like  a  bunion  and  enables  him 
to  submerge  himself  completely  and  at  the 
same  time  keep  both  eyes  above  the  surface. 

As  the  game  is  contentedly  feeding  on 
oysters,  its  favorite  provender,  he  may  be 
safely  approached  in  a  submarine  or  a  pro- 
tected cruiser.  The  wily  hunter,  stripped  to 
66] 


Hippopotamus  Hunting 


the  thirty-second  degree,  glides  up  within 
striking  distance.  This  distance  varies  ac- 
cording to  what  he  is  to  strike  with.  If  he 
uses  a  tack  hammer  he  must  approach  much 
closer  than  if  he  employs  a  garden  rake.  Dis- 


cretion must  be  exercised  in  this  matter  as  in 
everything  else. 

Authorities  are  unanimous  that  a  spike 
maul  swung  with  a  good  running  start  is  the 
most  satisfactory  method  of  making  a  dent  in 
a  hippo,  but  circumstances  often  forbid  its  use. 
A  trifling  error  or  miscalculation  would  result 
in  serious  embarrassment. 

[67 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


In  striking  a  hippo  it  is  well  to  remember 
that  he  has  but  five  vulnerable  spots,  his  brain 
and  four  feet.  The  latter,  being  invariably 
sunk  beneath  the  mud  of  the  river  bottom,  is 
safe  from  intrusion.  The  brain  is  compara- 
tively small.  Audubon  says  that  a  hippo 
half  the  size  of  an  undersized  house  has  a 
brain  no  larger  than  the  kernel  of  a  walnut. 
Be  this  as  it  may,  it  is  a  difficult  thing  to  stun 
a  hippo  unless  the  stunner  has  a  sure  eye  and 
a  muscle  like  Hackenschmidt. 

The  brain  is  located  a  hand's  breadth  back 
of  the  ears  and  a  pace  in  front  of  the  shoulder- 
blades.  Never  use  a  yardstick  on  a  hippo. 
Cultivate  the  use  of  the  naked  eye. 

Novices  often  make  the  mistake  of  rowing 
up  to  a  hippo  and  attempting  to  stroke  it  with 
the  palm.  Familiarities  such  as  this  are  in- 
excusable on  any  occasion  and  often  leads  to 
words,  or  blows. 

Exercise  reserve  and  under  no  circum- 
stances press  your  society  upon  a  hippo  if  he 
shows  an  inclination  to  avoid  you.  They  are 
very  sensitive  and  the  scrutiny  of  absolute 
68] 


Hippopotamus  Hunting 


strangers  must  be  aggravating,  to  say  the 

least. 

A  peculiar  method  of  capturing  the  hippo 
is  in  use  in  Okojambo.  The  Okojambite 
tickles  the  victim  on  the  under  lip  till  he  un- 
folds his  face  in  a  smile  and  then  rudely  in- 
serts a  sawbuck,  Saratoga  trunk  or  anything 
handy.  This  leaves  him  at  liberty  to  grasp 
the  game  by  the  tail,  swing  him  over  the 
shoulder  and  lug  him  to  camp.  The  method 
requires  quickness  and  dexterity  of  a  high 
order  and  is  not  recommended  to  visitors. 

A  much  safer  way  is  to  lure  the  game  onto 
dry  land  and  tucker  it  to  unconsciousness  by 
talking  tariff  to  it.  As  soon  as  the  animal 
becomes  benumbed,  step  in  and  throttle  it 
with  the  bare  hands.  In  throttling  a  hippo 
care  should  be  taken  not  to  use  unnecessary 
force.  It  is  also  advisable  to  have  a  substi- 
tute do  the  actual  throttling. 

Never  believe  what  a  hippo  says  because 
he  has  an  open  countenance — he  may  be 
taking  you  in. 

[69 


HORSE  RACING 


HORSE  RACING 

HORSE  racing  is  popularly  supposed  to 
be  a  game  of  chance.  This  is  errone- 
ous. In  horse  racing  you  have  no  chance  at 
all.  Like  the  strong  arm,  the  hold-up,  and 
the  old  army  game  you  are  skinned  before 
you  commence. 

Take  the  unsuspecting  corn-fed  pedestrian 
on  the  morning  of  Derby  Day.  He  arises 
early  with  a  terra  cotta  taste  in  his  mouth  and 
a  roll  in  his  vest  pocket  that  would  suffocate 
a  hippopotamus.  He  has  a  ticket  in  his  hat 
that  says  "  Gimlet "  will  romp  off  with  the 
race  like  a  tramp  with  the  family  wash.  He 
paid  out  twenty  bucks  to  get  hold  of  the 
ticket. 

He  reaches  the  track  under  a  cloud  of 
smoke  from  a  "  Perfecto  Rankadoro,"  and 
swells  up  to  the  betting-ring  like  a  bull-turkey 
with  ingrowing  eyesight.  He  bets  the  roll. 
Then  the  scene  changes.  The  storm  curtain 

[73 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


runs  down,  the  lights  go  out  and  some  one 
works  the  thunder  machine.  All  is  dark — 
for  "  Gimlet  "  never  had  a  look-in.  Late  at 
night  the  pedestrian  sneaks  upstairs  behind  a 
breath  that  reminds  his  wife  of  a  clove  fac- 
tory. Race  horses  are  sub-divided  into  two 
great  classes — ringers  and  dead  ones.  A 
ringer  is  the  horse  that  is  quoted  at  about  30 
to  i,  and  when  the  race  comes  off  the  jockey 
pulls  both  arms  out  of  the  socket  to  keep  him 
from  running  away  from  the  field.  Ringers 
are  made,  not  born.  A  ringer  is  constructed 
by  painting  a  black  tail  white,  or  vice  versa, 
and  whitewashing  the  legs  from  the  knees 
down.  By  this  simple  expedient  a  2:10  ani- 
mal can  sneak  into  2  :2O  races  and  lug  off  the 
root  of  evil.  No  one  will  be  the  wiser — 
except  the  judges. 

Dead  ones  are  horses  that  fail  to  win 
every  race  they  go  into.  If  a  horse  wins 
every  race  for  a  month  and  loses  one,  he  is 
promptly  tagged  as  a  dead  one. 

A  favorite  is  a  horse  that  is  scheduled  to 
win.  He  is  supposed  to  be  capable  of  beat- 
74] 


Horse  Racing 

ing  the  other  plugs  to  a  light  green  froth. 
Before  placing  any  large  wagers  on  a  favorite 
it  is  wise  to  examine  the  animal  when  he  is 
brought  onto  the  track.  If  he  steps  high 
and  wide  like  an  old  lady  hunting  burglars 
with  a  lamp,  stay  away — he  has  partaken 
freely  of  soothing  syrup.  If  he  breathes  like 
a  pig  under  a  gate,  feel  in  his  nose  and  you 
will  discover  a  fine  new  bath  sponge.  Take 
it  home  as  a  souvenir. 

Many  tricks  are  resorted  to  in  order  to 
make  a  horse  go  a  few  seconds  faster  than 
he  really  can.  Some  astute  jockeys  slip  a 
currycomb  under  their  saddle  at  the  begin- 
ning of  the  homestretch  and  it  helps  lots.  A 
horse  that  is  being  hopelessly  distanced  will 
rouse  up  and  jump  right  over  the  horses  in 
front  by  employing  this  innocent  little  tactic. 

Many  horse  owners  refuse  to  start  animals 
in  races  because  of  the  betting.  Many  bet- 
tors refuse  to  bet  on  certain  races  because  of 
the  finishing.  It  is  a  stand-off. 

Some  men  use  systems  in  betting.  There 
is  only  one  sure  system  that  absolutely  pre- 

[75 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


vents  loss.  This  is  as  follows:  after  betting 
$100  that  "  Ripsaw  "  will  win,  go  around 
and  bet  another  $100  that  "  Ripsaw"  will 
lose.  In  this  way  you  can  bet  twice  as  much 
and  come  out  about  even  on  the  day's  work. 

In  choosing  a  winner  the  novice  will  be 
greatly  aided  by  a  careful  consideration  of 
the  following  advice :  After  selecting  a  horse 
from  the  entry  list  ascertain  if  the  animal  has 
ever  been  in  a  race  before.  If  he  has,  find 
out  whether  he  won  or  lost.  If  he  won,  it 
is  advisable  to  pass  him  up,  as  the  chances 
are  against  a  repetition.  If  he  lost,  he  prob- 
ably was  no  good  then  and  hasn't  improved 
any  since,  so  cut  him  out. 

Next  find  out  who  owns  him.  If  it  is  some 
one  you  know,  it  is  dollars  to  doughnuts  you 
know  the  man  to  be  a  crook  and  will  steer 
clear  of  his  entry.  If  some  stranger  owns  the 
nag,  be  wary — he  is  undoubtedly  a  sharper 
trying  to  work  a  cold  deck  on  you.  Keep 
the  garter  on  your  roll  and  your  hand  on 
your  watch. 

After  satisfying  yourself  in  these  matters 
76] 


Horse  Racing 

it  is  advisable  to  take  a  squint  at  the  horse. 
You  may  have  to  do  this  through  a  knot- 
hole in  the  stable.  Be  very  careful  not  to 
get  horse  liniment  squirted  into  your  eye. 
Observe  his  legs — if  he  has  four,  credit  him 
with  one  point.  If  he  has  less  than  four, 
hang  onto  your  money. 

Next  inspect  the  blanket  on  the  horse.  If 
it  is  a  fine,  large,  costly  affair  you  can  safely 
plunge  on  the  beast.  If  it  is  faded  and  worn 
out  button  up  your  cash  drawer  and  steal  back 
to  the  chickens. 

When  the  horse  comes  onto  the  track 
watch  how  he  lifts  his  feet.  If  they  come  up 
slowly  the  horse  is  a  dead  one;  if  they  come 
up  with  a  snap  the  animal  is  too  nervous  and 
unreliable.  If  they  do  not  come  up  at  all, 
ten  chances  to  two  he  is  standing  perfectly 
still. 

Observe  closely  the  horse's  tail.  If  it 
droops  like  a  wet  mop  hanging  out  of  a 
kitchen  window  he  will  finish  in  about  eighth 
place.  If  it  sticks  out  horizontally,  the 
chances  are  much  better,  but  if  it  is  vertical 

[77 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


you  can  bet  your  last  simoleon  he  has  been 
red-peppered  and  will  run  like  a  scared  cat  up 
a  telephone  pole. 

Don't  throw  your  clothes  into  the  air  and 
yell  just  because  your  horse  is  a  few  rods  to 
the  good  at  the  head  of  the  stretch.  You 
haven't  figured  on  the  jockey's  pull.  If  the 
jockey  is  a  first-class  one  he  will  have  a  double- 
acting,  self-cocking  pull  that  will  make  your 
animal  look  like  an  ice  wagon  going  to  Sun- 
day School. 

Don't  ruin  a  $3  hat  because  you  win  a  $2 
bet. 

Don't  bet  much. 

Don't  bet. 


7*1 


MOUNTAIN  LION  HUNTING 

NATURAL  history  experts  are  unani- 
mous in  saying  that  a  mountain  lion  is 
an  awkward  beast  to  jab  a  hat  pin  into  twice 
in  succession.  Men  who  have  attempted  this 
feat  inform  us  that  it  agitates  the  stickee  to 
quite  a  noticeable  extent.  Those  who  have 
faced  a  super-heated  lion  with  his  tail  floating 
aloft  like  a  captive  balloon  say  that  the  sen- 
sation is  akin  to  that  experienced  in  firing  the 
cook. 

When  suddenly  confronted  by  an  indig- 
nant mountain  lion  with  eyes  blazing  like  a 
barn  afire  the  slightest  hesitation  is  apt  to  be 
fatal  or  worse.  The  proper  action  is  to  bend 
rapidly  forward  at  the  waist  line  and  shoot 
a  package  of  concentrated  tobacco  juice  into 
the  critter's  eyesight.  Then  leap  nimbly 
around  to  his  rear  and  tie  a  reef  knot  in  his 
tail  close  up.  He  can  then  be  kicked  into  an 
omelet  without  half  trying. 

[81 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


In  stories  of  the  period  of  1834  mountain 
lions  were  rangy  animals  averaging  twelve 
feet  in  length  and  capable  of  jumping  over 
a  Carnegie  library  with  a  bull  in  his  teeth. 
Since  then  the  lion  has  contracted  in  size  and 
become  more  domesticated  in  his  tastes. 
Nowadays  the  lion  will  take  to  the  tallest  tree 
in  his  congressional  district  upon  the  faintest 
hint  of  men  and  dogs. 

There  is  no  more  danger  hunting  lions  than 
in  starting  the  kitchen  fire  with  gasoline,  but 
men  who  have  been  compelled  to  slay  them 
say  that  at  such  moments  their  fingers  get 
bad  cases  of  writers'  cramp  and  their  weapons 
weigh  like  a  hideous  past. 

After  the  dogs  have  chased  the  quarry 
about  a  hundred  and  forty  feet  up  a  tall  tree, 
the  hunter  comes  up  with  his  cannon  pre- 
pared to  shoot  a  hole  in  the  beast  about  the 
size  of  a  buckwheat  cake.  The  guide  with 
the  white  eye  and  the  appetite  for  liquor  ad- 
vises you  to  hit  him  in  the  eye  and  save  the 
hide. 

After  deliberately  aiming  for  five  or  six 

82] 


Mountain  Lion  Hunting 


minutes  you  pull  the  trigger  real  hard  and 
nothing  happens.  You  then  uncork  your 
eyes  and  discover  that  you  were  pulling  on  the 
trigger  guard. 

When  you  do  fire,  the  reverberations 
rudely  awake  the  echoes,  which  is  certainly 
outrageous,  as  they  were  undoubtedly  sleep- 
ing peacefully.  Through  the  smoke  and 
ki-yi-ing  of  the  dogs  you  see  the  huge  cat 
falling  quite  rapidly  toward  the  earth.  After 
a  brief  wait  he  strikes  with  a  dull  thud,  and 
the  guide  jumps  in  with  a  club  and  begins 
hammering  dogs.  After  laying  out  half  a 
dozen  he  drags  the  lion  up  to  you  and  says  i 

"  Thar  he  is,  pard.     You  done  well !  " 


[83 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


A  little  caution  is  necessary  in  handling 
mountain  lions  when  alone  and  unprotected. 
If  you  see  a  lion  digging  into  a  hillside  after 
rabbits  or  gold  dust  never  yank  his  caudal 
appendage  as  it  is  sure  to  cause  friction  be- 
tween you  and  the  lion.  While  they  are 
generally  harmless — at  a  safe  distance  behind 
bars — it  is  wise  to  be  on  the  lookout.  If  you 
meet  a  crabbed-looking,  one-eyed  old  lion 
with  yellow  fangs  and  a  tail  full  of  cockle- 
burrs  make  a  sweeping  bow  and  rub  yourself 
out  with  a  damp  sponge. 


84] 


GOLF 


GOLF 

WHEN  a  man  gets  rich  enough  to  sport 
an  auto  and  have  his  appendix  re- 
moved and  caged  he  takes  to  golf.  Like  hoe- 
ing corn  with  a  pick-axe,  golf  comes  rather 
awkward  to  a  large,  rosy-cheeked  sleeping- 
car  magnate  dressed  in  knee  pantlets,  but  as 
he  knows  that  the  admiring  eyes  of  multitudes 
of  women  are  upon  his  Greco-Roman  under- 
pinning he  sticks  heroically  to  it. 

There  is  some  labor  incident  to  golf,  if  cor- 
rectly played,  but  it  is  so  carefully  disguised 
that  the  bloated  bondholder  may  tackle  it 
barehanded  without  fear  of  contamination 
or  internal  injuries. 

Golf  consists  of  two  easy  movements.  Do 
not  imagine  from  this  remark  that  golf  is 
anything  like  music.  Ah,  no!  Movement 
number  one  consists  of  balancing  a  weazened 
up  bunch  of  gutta  percha  on  a  pyramid  of 
sand,  gravel  or  bowlders  where  the  hot  after- 

[8? 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


noon  sun  can  shine  on  it.  The  other  move- 
ment may  be  briefly  described  as  assaulting 
it  with  a  club.  Novices  make  short  work  of 
the  first  movement — it  is  simple  and  easily 
learned.  It  is  in  mastering  the  intricacies  of 
the  second  that  the  grinning  demons  of  golf 
arise  and  stare  one  out  of  countenance. 

As  a  preliminary  to  actual  golf  a  light 
course  in  hammering  carpets  on  the  back 
fence  is  suggested.  The  capitalist  with  the 
golf  mania  would,  however,  toss  his  glisten- 
ing cranium  in  fine  scorn  and  snort  like  the 
wild  ass  of  Arabia  should  his  wife  so  far 
forget  herself  as  to  request  him  to  assist  at 
that  harmless  amusement.  But  he  will  ex- 
pose himself  to  the  burning  sun  of  a  prairie 
all  day  and  lam  away  at  a  ball  no  bigger  than 
a  canary,  coming  home  at  night  with  a  grin 
that  would  make  you  think  he  had  discovered 
a  new  breakfast  food  for  the  octopus. 

The  ordinary,  ignorant  citizen  who  dis- 
graces himself  by  working  for  a  living  can- 
not imagine  the  degree  of  excitement  and 
general  hilarity  that  can  be  wrung  from  this 
88] 


Golf 

game.  The  intense,  overpowering  joy  that 
comes  to  a  man  when  for  the  first  time  he 
grasps  a  golf  club  and  cocks  his  weather  eye 
at  the  defenceless  ball  on  its  little  heap  of 
Mother  Earth  is  not  for  the  laboring  man. 
The  latter  may  hit  his  finger  with  a  hammer 
and  swear — that  is  as  far  as  he  is  permitted 
to  go.  He  knows  nothing  of  the  rare  delight 
that  seethes  through  the  human  form  divine 
upon  missing  the  ball  five  times  in  five  vin- 
dictive swats,  nor  of  the  editorial  license  in 
language  thereby  permitted — language  that 
would  make  a  bull-whacker  in  his  palmiest 
day  uncover  and  take  to  the  canons.  Ah, 
the  joys  of  golf! 

Accidents  are  not  frequent  in  golf  but  are 
most  annoying  when  they  occur.  Bulls  for- 
get themselves  and  leave  their  families  to 
roam  idly  about  the  grounds,  exposing  them- 
selves to  ricochets  and  foozles  most  reck- 
lessly. A  bull  struck  in  the  eye  by  a  golf 
ball  behaves  like  a  man  caught  shy  on  wheat, 
and  this  adds  to  the  hazards  of  golf.  Occa- 
sionally the  ball  may  intrude  on  a  peaceful 

[89 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


hornet  congregation  and  by  the  time  the  fat 
and  juicy  sugar  trust  man  strolls  up  they  are 
prepared  for  war  or  pestilence.  The  riot- 
ously thin  trousers  worn  in  golf  are  no  pro- 
tection against  hornets,  and  foot-racing  in- 
variably ensues.  This  is  a  breach  of  golf 
etiquette,  however,  and  no  gentleman  will 
indulge  in  it  if  he  can  help  it. 

Most  golfers  find  no  difficulty  in  defeating 
Bogey.  This  old  gentleman  is  deaf,  dumb 
and  blind,  and  is  often  beaten  most  hideously. 
A  player  who  can  beat  the  stuffing  out  of 
Bogey  every  day  in  the  week  will  complain 
of  heartburn,  lumbago,  or  milkmaid's  knee 
if  another  man  asks  him  to  play  a  match  with 
him. 

Golf,  as  originally  invented,  was  designed 
to  be  a  sort  of  leisurely  stroll  in  the  fresh  air, 
but  the  latter-day  golfist  is  not  considered 
passable  unless  he  perspires  like  a  brick  mason 
and  tears  his  insides  loose  from  their  moor- 
ings about  once  a  month. 

A  man  who  golfs  for  the  first  time  will 
retire  in  the  evening  with  both  hands  full 
90] 


Golf 

of  blisters  and  a  light  pink  fuzz  on  his  eye- 
sight. The  next  morning  he  will  be  late  for 
his  oatmeal,  and  he  informs  his  wife  that  his 
backbone  is  out  of  cog.  This,  however,  is 
imagination.  The  only  real  pain  in  golf  is 
felt  in  the  region  of  the  pocketbook. 

Golf  comes  from  Scotland  where  it  is 
played  barelegged,  the  players  wearing  red 
and  white  checkered  horse  blankets  instead 
of  breeches.  In  this  country  the  temptation 
to  hit  the  dimpled  knee  of  the  moneyed  man 
has  been  found  so  demoralizing  to  the  cad- 
dies that  pants  are  customary  as  a  safeguard. 

Golf  is  unknown  west  of  the  Mississippi — 
the  country  is  too  small  for  it. 


DOG  TRAINING 


DOG  TRAINING 

HAVING  separated  yourself  from  the 
ten  big  iron  cartwheels  you  pry  the 
pup  loose  from  the  lacteal  contrivances  of  its 
maternal  progenitor  and  lug  it  homeward. 
You  then  wash  up  the  last  year's  baby  nursing 
bottle  and  assume  the  duties  of  chambermaid 
to  the  purchase. 

In  due  course  of  time  the  animal  will  get 
big  enough  so  that  you  can  tell  whether  he 
is  a  poodle  or  a  St.  Bernard,  and  you  then 
begin  handing  it  hunks  of  tenderloin  and 
chase  the  rubber  cow  to  the  background. 

At  this  period  of  the  dog's  existence  great 
care  should  be  observed  that  he  does  not  come 
under  the  influence  of  bold  and  designing 
lady-dogs  of  advanced  years.  Protect  the 
young  dog  from  unscrupulous  persons  of  this 
character. 

As  the  dog  is  nearing  maturity — as  he  is 
about  to  step  out  on  the  broad  threshold  of 

[95 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


manhood  or  womanhood  as  the  case  may  be — 
you  may  start  him  in  on  a  preliminary  course 
of  instruction  for  his  life's  work.  After 
working  with  him  about  three  weeks  you  gen- 
erally kick  the  dog  heavily  and  crate  him  up 
to  be  mailed  to  some  professional  handler  and 
trainer.  This  person  will  guarantee,  for  a 
mere  bagatelle  of  $50  to  $100  to  make  any 
animal  feel  his  oats. 

Yours  comes  back  and  you  take  him  out 
for  a  swath  among  the  birds.  You  then 
learn  that  he  has  been  trained  in  Swede  and 
don't  know  what  you're  talking  about.  But 
that  is  of  small  importance  if  you  can  suc- 
ceed in  burying  a  handful  of  No.  9  shot 
anywhere  in  his  posterior  portion.  A  good 
dog  can  be  readily  finished  in  this  simple 
manner. 

Bird  dogs  have  been  known  to  attain  a 
marvelous  proficiency.  One  animal  known 
to  the  writer  invariably  picked  and  cleaned 
the  first  bird  killed  each  day,  leaving  only 
the  head,  feet  and  feathers.  His  owner,  a 
particularly  irascible  man,  ended  his  career 
96] 


Dog  Training 

with  an  iron  end-gate  rod  one  day  in  a  fit  of 
justifiable  passion. 

In  summing  up  it  is  safe  to  remark  that 
the  best  dogs  are  the  ones  you  borrow. 

Personal  training  is  quite  a  chore,  but  it 
will  repay  for  the  trouble.  Take  a  heavy 


,          n 


manilla  rope  and  attach  the  dog  to  one  end  of 
it  by  the  neck.  Nail  a  beefsteak  to  a  post 
and  allow  the  dog  to  gaze  at  it.  If  he  has 
human  instincts  he  will  make  a  jump  for  the 
steak.  Yell  "  Charge  "  loudly  and  yank  the 
dog  back  about  ten  feet.  Repeat  this  until 
the  animal  will  approach  the  steak  and  re- 
fuse to  touch  it.  Jf  he  bites  you  in  the  leg 
during  this  proceeding  it  is  a  sign  that  he  is 

[97 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


not  well  trained.  Offer  him  the  other  leg 
and  if  he  bites  that,  he  is  a  hopeless  case. 

To  get  a  dog  to  point  hang  a  dead  chicken 
from  a  limb  by  a  string.  Get  up  above  with 
a  sack  of  rocks.  When  the  dog  sneaks  up 
to  grab  the  chicken  drop  a  rock  on  him  and 
yell  "point."  In  course  of  time  he  will  find 
out  it  is  better  to  point  and  have  it  done  with. 

To  make  a  fine  ranging  dog  pull  his  tongue 
out  a  foot  or  two  and  drop  a  little  ammonia 
on  it.  He  will  range  surprisingly.  Keep 
a  good  supply  of  ammonia  on  hand,  however. 

After  training  the  dog,  sell  him  and  get  a 
good  one. 


98] 


MOOSE  HUNTING 


MOOSE  HUNTING 

A  SMALL  man  of  retiring  disposition 
can  treat  himself  to  a  glimpse  of  the 
strenuous  life  by  going  out  into  the  back- 
woods and  rudely  accosting  a  large,  coarse 
bull  moose  suffering  the  pangs  of  unrequited 
love.  The  moose,  at  such  moments,  is  apt 
to  be  harsh,  even  riotous,  in  demeanor,  and 
the  most  comfortable  spot  from  which  to  take 
an  observation  of  his  corona  is  at  the  small 
end  of  a  long,  rambling  telescope  some  miles 
removed. 

For  a  misfit  beast,  a  moose  under  a  fair 
head  of  steam  more  closely  resembles  a  panic- 
stricken  circular  saw  than  any  other  quad- 
ruped tabulated  to  date.  Possessing  all  the 
salient  characteristics  in  form  of  the  horse, 
cow,  goat  and  hippopotamus,  he  exhibits  the 
speed  of  a  Pegasus,  the  docility  of  a  cross- 

[101 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


grained  heifer  in  fly-time,  the  wariness  of  a 
habitual  debtor  and  the  keenness  of  scent  out- 
rivaling Old  Broadbrim  on  the  trail  of  the 
man  with  the  black  patch  over  his  eye. 

If,  while  rambling  about  in  the  timber,  you 
have  occasion  to  meet  a  moose,  it  is  advisable 
to  wear  a  large-sized,  pleasant  smile  and  a 
folding  gun.  Lacking  these  cardinal  virtues, 
various  courses  may  be  pursued.  Space  for- 
bids mention  of  more  than  one. 

Select  a  tall,  healthy  tree.  Moisten  the 
hands  slightly  and  clasp  them  around  the 
trunk  at  a  point  a  foot  or  two  above  the  level 
of  the  eyebrows.  The  lower  limbs  are  then 
twined  about  the  tree  in  a  confiding  manner 
and  the  back  is  acutely  arched.  Pressing  the 
knees  firmly  to  the  bark,  the  hands  are  quickly 
unclasped  and  re-clasped  at  a  considerably 
higher  plane.  Repeat  this  maneuver  four 
times  per  second  for  eight  seconds  and  do 
not  climb  higher  after  the  tree  quits. 

From  your  position  you  may  now  observe 
the  moose  leisurely  attempting  to  brain  him- 
self against  the  lower  portions  of  the  tree. 
102] 


Select  a  tall,  healthy  tree. 


Moose  Hunting 

Hope  hard  that  he  may  succeed.  If  he  fails 
you  have  one  last  resort,  sanctioned  by  all 
guides  not  addicted  to  alcoholic  beverages  in 
any  other  form  than  liquor.  Quietly  and 
coolly  remove  the  undergarments  which,  it  is 
necessary  to  remark,  must  be  of  a  violent 
red  color. 

Beneath  you  the  unsuspecting  victim  is  still 
heroically  engaged  in  beating  his  cranial  re- 
gions to  a  pulp.  Having  knotted  the  gar- 
ments firmly  together  descend  until  you  can 
dangle  them  before  the  beast's  eyes  in  all 
their  hellish  cruelty.  A  timid  moose  will 
emit  two  low  bleats  of  mingled  dismay  and 
apprehension,  while  the  gooseflesh  will  stand 
out  on  his  spine  in  strong  bas  relief.  A  mo- 
ment later  the  thoroughly  cowed  animal  will 
depart  rapidly  in  the  general  direction  of  the 
Moostocmaguntic  moose  hatchery. 

In  piloting  friends  through  the  back 
stretches,  you  may  be  asked  to  locate  a  moose 
for  their  edification.  In  pointing  one  out, 
do  not  put  your  finger  on  the  animal,  saying, 
'*  This,  gentleman,  is  a  moose !  "  That  would 

[103 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


be  incorrect  for  "  this  "  would  by  that  time 
be  a  mere  hole  in  the  atmosphere.  Bide  your 
time. 

Familiarity  with  a  buxom  girl-moose  when 
alone  in  the  woods  is  ill-advised  and  no  gen- 
tleman will  so  far  forget  himself.  Upon 
meeting  a  young  and  eligible  moose-maiden, 
assume  a  sprightly  manner.  Pass  a  few 
genial  remarks  as  to  the  weather  and  crops, 
casually  adding  that  you  are  a  certified  pub- 
lic fossilologist  hunting  for  fossils.  At  this 
juncture  you  happen  to  observe  a  fossil  such 
as  you  desire  away  up  a  tall  tree  close  on 
the  left  and,  being  very  enthusiastic,  you  de- 
cide to  go  after  it  at  once. 

In  the  event  of  your  inflicting  a  wound  on 
a  moose  whereby  he  dies,  carefully  remove 
the  horns.  By  a  judicious  use  of  an  ax,  gim- 
let, meat  saw  and  butcher  knife  you  may  suc- 
ceed in  getting  off  part  of  them  on  the  same 
day  by  missing  your  meals. 

Properly  disguised,  a  moose  is  edible,  hav- 
ing a  flavor  fully  equal  to  celery-fed  cabhorse. 
A  moose  hambone  will  stay  around  in  the 
104] 


Moose  Hunting 


family  upwards  of  six  weeks  without  per- 
ceptible deterioration. 

A  moose  has  frequently  been  known  to 
come  up  and  eat  from  the  hand.  Do  not, 
however,  attempt  to  reproduce  this  feat  un- 
less you  are  long  on  hands.  The  inside  of 
a  moose  will  digest  anything  from  plain  sew- 
ing to  door  knobs,  and  a  nice  succulent  hand 
is  heartily  relished  by  one  of  them. 

Never  break  in  upon  a  moose's  slumber  by 
thoughtlessly  strumming  upon  a  stringed  in- 
strument. If  you  must  break  their  rest  use 
a  pianola  or  a  phonograph — anything  that 
will  keep  on  playing  after  you  leave.  In 
some  parts  of  darker  Canada  guides  fre- 
quently are  seen  percolating  through  the 
woods  with  one  or  the  other  of  these  instru- 
ments on  their  backs,  and  experts  pronounce 
them  fully  as  deadly  as  the  30-30  soft-nosed. 


[105 


ELEPHANT  HUNTING 


ELEPHANT  HUNTING 

THIS  hilarious  sport  has  declined  sadly 
of  late  years  probably  because  of  the 
stringent  game  laws  in  force  in  the  various 
states.  The  existing  prohibitive  license  fee 
for  elephant  hunting  is  erroneous  legislation 
pure  and  simple,  inasmuch  as  authorities 
state  that  the  present  supply  of  this  game  in 
the  United  States  would  not  be  noticeably 
diminished  if  all  restrictions  were  removed. 

The  elephant's  botanical  description  is  "  a 
monstrous,  herbivorous,  gregarious,  pachy- 
dermatous, pendulous  beast."  From  this  it 
will  be  observed  that  he  is  no  butterfly.  In 
motion  the  elephant  has  the  graceful  ease 
and  swing  of  a  cup-defender  coupled  with  the 
crushing  force  of  a  cane  mill.  His  frame  is 
loosely  upholstered  in  a  dirty  gray  material 
known  as  elephant  hide. 

A  nice,  coy,  hen-elephant  that  has  not 
reached  her  sixtieth  year  is  considered  a  great 

[109 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


delicacy  by  all  lovers  of  epicurean  viands. 
But  an  old  lady  elephant  whose  eye  teeth  have 
been  worn  to  a  dark  brown  frazzle  is  apt  to 
be  tough  and  stringy. 

Never  attempt  to  stalk  an  elephant  except 
during  his  meal  hour.  In  this  connection  it 
is  well  to  remark  that  an  elephant's  meal  hour 
is  from  7  A.M.  to-day  till  7  A.M.  to-morrow, 
seven  times  a  week. 

Having  reached  the  elephant  stubble,  the 
hunter  selects  a  victim  and  waits  till  he  is 
somewhat  isolated  from  the  covey.  The 
procedure  then  is  most  simple.  Approach 
until  you  can  detect  the  wrinkles  on  his  brow 
or  vice  versa,  depending  on  your  line  of  ap- 
proach. Choosing  a  moment  when  the  ani- 
mal's attention  is  centered  somewhere  else, 
step  briskly  forward  and  whack  him  smartly 
across  the  base  of  the  skull  with  your  cane 
or  an  umbrella.  If  you  land  properly  the 
neck  will  be  broken  instantly  and  without  a 
moment's  suffering.  After  rifling  his  trunk 
the  game  is  shouldered  and  taken  to  camp. 

With  larger  and  warier  elephants  more 
no] 


Elephant  Hunting 


caution  must  be  used.  Some  sportsmen 
favor  the  plan  of  dropping  from  a  tree  to 
the  creature's  back,  from  which  point  he  may 
readily  be  choked  to  death.  This  plan,  how- 
ever, has  flaws  and  is  not  reliable.  A  better 
one  would  be  to  wait  patiently  behind  a  large 
tree  till  he  walks  by.  At  the  exact  moment 
the  hunter  slips  out  and  plants  his  right  foot 
heavily  against  the  beast's  lower  forty.  If 
he  kicks  hard  enough  he  will  break  a  leg  and 
perhaps  a  toe  or  two. 

Elephants  when  trapped  very  young  be- 
come tame  and  will  follow  their  master  about 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


like  a  collection  agent.  When  a  boy,  I  got 
an  elephant  in  my  stocking  for  Christmas 
once.  He  became  a  great  pet,  but  his  absent- 
mindedness  proved  his  ruin.  He  laid  down 
on  old  Bruno,  the  dog,  one  evening  by  mis- 
take. Next  morning  Bruno  looked  like  a 
ten-year-old  lap  robe. 

Elephants  are  affectionate  anmials.  This 
one  grew  so  fond  of  the  hired  hand  that  it 
made  his  best  girl  jealous.  A  friend  of  mine 
who  used  to  have  an  elephant  on  his  hands 
has  since  secured  a  divorce  and  says  the  best 
way  to  hunt  this  game  is  by  proxy.  A  good 
strapping,  rawboned  proxy  will  do  just  as 
well  in  our  case,  and  in  more  ways  than  one 
has  all  other  methods  of  elephant  hunting 
skinned  to  death. 


112] 


TRAP  SHOOTING 


TRAP  SHOOTING 

TRAP  shooting  is  a  cunning  invention  of 
some  sporting-goods  dealer  for  the 
sole  purpose  of  subtracting  the  legal  tender 
from  the  wallet,  the  sock  and  the  bank  ac- 
count. The  confirmed  victim  of  this  mania 
will  be  found  in  his  declining  years  with  show- 
bills wrapped  around  his  attenuated  limbs  in 
lieu  of  a  more  popular  article  of  commerce. 

The  heinous  villain  who  acted  as  advance 
agent  of  this  form  of  anarchy  has  long  since 
passed  to  his  reward,  but  his  devotees  may  be 
found  in  every  walk  of  life,  the  unquenchable 
fires  of  trap-shooting  running  riot  in  their 
veins. 

The  procedure  is  as  follows,  with  slight 
variations:  Take  a  small  orphan  boy  and 
place  him  behind  a  cellar  door  on  the  wide 
and  undulating  prairie.  Give  him  a  machine 
that  will  toss  out  clay  saucers  three  times  and 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


then  kick  the  boy  a  rod  or  two  across  the 
scenery.  The  boy  will  load  the  machine,  you 
get  all  ready  with  your  teeth  set  and  yell 
"  pull."  After  waiting  to  expectorate  on 
his  hands,  the  boy  pulls  and  a  round  object 
like  an  overdone  pancake  sails  out  onto  the 
frosty  air.  You  then  shoot  and  keep  shoot- 
ing until  some  other  fellow  butts  in  and  breaks 
the  pigeon. 

The  trap  shooter  must  be  a  man  of  un- 
daunted bravery  and  unflinching  heroism. 
We  may  add  that  he  must  be  fearless  and 
not  at  all  timid.  He  is  expected  to  lean  his 
breastbone  upon  the  muzzle  of  his  loaded  ten- 
gauge  gun  with  as  much  carelessness  as  the 
average  man  drinks  hotel  coffee.  Every  once 
in  a  while  trap  shooters  are  lugged  off  and 
packed  in  ice  owing  to  an  unexpected  happen- 
ing when  leaning  on  their  guns,  but  this  is 
to  be  expected  and  does  not  deter  the  brave. 
They  may  even  give  you  a  bonus. 

A  pump  gun  is  the  favorite  weapon  with 
trap  shooters,  and  it  is  advisable  to  use  one. 
With  this  brand  of  manslaughter  you  can  fill 
116] 


Trap  Shooting 

your  neighbor's  leg  with  No.  8's  and  lay  it 
to  the  gun.  Bystanders  are  a  nuisance  to 
trap  shooters  and  they  are  privileged  to  shoot 
them  in  the  boots  at  the  least  provocation. 
If  one  of  them  objects  you  can  silence  him' 
by  sending  a  shot  or  two  in  his  direction. 

Land  on  the  trap  boy  whenever  possible — 
he's  paid  for  the  risk  and  might  as  well  earn 
his  money.  It  is  amazing  the  amount  of 
shot  a  nervy  boy  will  carry  off  in  his  system 
when  he  gets  used  to  it.  And  then,  maybe 
his  parents  have  quietly  insured  him  for  a 
few  thousand  and  you  might  be  doing  them 
an  untold  favor,  so  shoot  him  hard  and  often. 
Death  may  be  preferable  anyway. 

After  a  shot  the  pigeon  will  be  noticed  to 
sail  slowly  and  steadily  along  until  it  hits  the 
grass.  This  is  doubtless  caused  by  the  slight 
difference  in  the  direction  you  aimed  and  the 
spot  where  the  pigeon  was  at  the  time.  Yank 
your  gun  open  at  once  and  look  into  the  bar- 
rels— something  may  have  crawled  in  and 
went  to  sleep. 

In  using  the  second  barrel  wait  until  the 

[117 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


pigeon  is  about  to  light  and  then  swear  you 
hit  it.  Nine  times  out  of  ten  it  will  be  found 
broken  and  your  honor  will  be  vindicated. 

Have  your  own  special  brand  of  shells,  and 
if  none  of  that  make  are  at  hand,  cancel  your 
entry  and  draw  down  your  side  bets.  Always 
have  plenty  to  say  while  at  the  traps — keep 
up  a  running  fire  of  witty  remarks,  sarcastic 
comments  and  cat-calls.  Your  companions 
may  lose  the  match  from  sheer  nervousness 
while  your  name  will  be  in  the  paper  as  the 
"  genial-souled  sportsman,  etc." 

When  the  shooting  is  over  for  the  day  and 
the  boys  are  figuring  up  your  share  of  the 
expense,  always  remember  that  you  are  in  a 
hurry  to  get  home  and  hike  out.  One  man 
I  knew  went  an  entire  season  without  pur- 
chasing a  cartridge.  His  plan  was  to  open 
an  elegant  alligator-hide  shell-case  at  the 
traps  and  find  no  shells  therein.  Chagrined, 
he  had  no  trouble  in  borrowing  enough  for 
the  shoot  and,  having  left  his  pocketbook 
back  at  home  on  the  piano  he  could  not  be 
expected  to  pay. 
118] 


Trap  Shooting 

Afterward  this  man  would  suffer  a  defect 
in  the  memory  and  forget  who  loaned  him  the 
shells.  When  he  departed  from  town  he  left 
a  large  number  of  business  men  to  divide  the 
worry  among  themselves  pro  rata. 


[119 


HUNTING  JAVELIN 

(PECCARY) 


HUNTING  JAVELIN 

(PECCARY) 

THE  javelin  is  a  narrow-chested  mixture 
of  cross-cut  saw,  wildcat  and  carbolic 
acid.  His  appearance  is  that  of  a  thin  slice 
of  hungry  pork.  His  character  is  as  treach- 
erous and  dark  as  a  bar  of  tar  soap  on  the  top 
step  of  a  stairway. 

The  javelin  is  a  two-sided  animal — sides 
are  about  three  inches  apart.  He  travels  in 
groups  or  harems.  A  harem  runs  from  ten 
to  two  hundred  and  ninety.  Enumerating  a 
harem  of  javelin  is  a  very  difficult  feat  when 
the  enumerator  is  on  the  tall  jump  for  the 
sea  coast  with  the  aforesaid  harem  half  a 
lap  to  the  rear. 

The  first  requisite  in  hunting  these  critters 
is  to  go  where  they  are  likely  to  be  found. 
Having  thoroughly  located  the  beast  scan  it 
from  a  considerable  distance.  Never  rush  in 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


tumultuously  on  a  covey  of  javelin — use  due 
diligence  and  circumspection. 

Having  reached  a  point  about  sixteen  hun- 
dred yards  close  to  the  prey  the  wary  hunter 
should  make  a  slight  change  in  his  costume. 
The  heavy  field  shoes  should  be  removed  and 
hung  in  a  tree.  The  feet  should  then  be  in- 
serted into  light,  well-fitting,  non-chafing 
sprinting  shoes.  Spikes  of  regulation  length 
should  be  worn  to  permit  of  a  rapid  start. 

After  carefully  mapping  a  line  of  retreat, 
pay  the  guide,  say  good-by  all  round,  tighten 
up  your  surcingle  four  holes  and  proceed  to- 
ward the  game.  If  the  javelin  proves  to  be 
just  one,  lone,  sequestered  individual  he  may 
be  shot  at  once  without  compunction.  If 
there  are  a  dozen  or  more  of  him,  compunc- 
tion should,  of  course,  be  used  with  a  heavy 
top  pad,  well-crimped. 

Hold  steadily  back  of  his  twenty-sixth  rib 
on  the  larboard  side  (the  side  you're  looking 
at)  and  you  have  a  fair  chance  to  perforate 
his  steam  chest.  This  will  reduce  his  vital- 
ity about  a  hundred  degrees  and  you  can  then 
124] 


Hunting  Javelin 


run  him  to  death  if  he  does  not  catch  up 
with  you. 

When  shooting  at  a  javelin  push  as  hard 
on  the  gun  as  you  can.  The  animal's  hide  is 
so  tough  it  is  very  apt  to  strain  any  but  the 
higher  grades  of  guns.  The  javelin  is  a 
hardy  perennial  and  blooms  prolifically  in 
warm  latitudes.  Always  bury  the  javelin 
after  shooting,  as  if  left  exposed  to  the  sun 
it  will  cure  to  a  lovely  fawn  tan  finish  that 
can  be  recognized  at  a  distance  roughly  esti- 
mated at  ninety  miles. 

P.  S.  A  wagon  load  of  javelin  will  bring 
about  eleven  cents. 


[125 


BEAR  HUNTING 


BEAR  HUNTING 

BEAR  hunting  begins  at  the  age  of  four 
when  grandpap  takes  you  on  his  knee 
and  talks  "  bear  "  till  your  long  yellow  hair 
crinkles  up  at  the  ends  and  your  eyes  look  like 
a  brace  of  white  china  saucers  with  holes  in 
the  bottoms.  From  then  on  you  average 
about  a  hundred  and  forty  dead  bear  per  day 
for  two  years  steady. 

A  bear  is  a  big,  awkward  quadruped  with 
a  shaggy  hide,  powerful  digestion  and  an 
ice  cream  snout.  A  bear's  nose  will  give  the 
baby  croup  at  one  poke  and  two  will  usually 
throw  a  grown  man  into  hysterics.  A  bear 
has  a  paw  that  can  fan  a  fly,  husk  a  huckle- 
berry, or  bat  the  breath  from  a  bull  with  equal 
facility.  His  mouth  is  richly  upholstered  in 
red  and  his  tongue  is  fenced  in  by  two  rows 
of  large,  cream-colored  teeth. 

The  valuable  things  about  a  bear  are  his 

[129 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


pelt  and  the  handicap  he  gives  you  in  a  free- 
for-all.  A  bear  should  never  be  assaulted 
with  a  cane  or  umbrella,  as  it  ruins  the  hide 
for  tanning  purposes  and  is  quite  severe  on 
the  appearance  of  your  remains.  A  nimble 
man  could  jab  a  fountain  pen  into  a  bear's 
eye  and  then  choke  him  to  death  with  his  sus- 
penders, thereby  preserving  the  pelt  intact, 
but  this  method  is  obsolete  in  general  practice, 
as  the  bear  is  apt  to  become  angry. 

A  safer  way  is  to  secure  a  firm  grip  on 
the  bear's  tail,  wrap  your  legs  around  a  stump 
and  hold  him  till  he  starves  to  death.  This 
will  not  require  more  than  a  week  and  has 
the  merit  of  not  injuring  the  hide  in  the 
slightest. 

In  late  years  the  following  unique  method 
has  been  in  great  vogue  and  appears  to  strike 
the  popular  favor  in  some  districts.  Imme- 
diately upon  sighting  a  bear  take  a  large 
gun  and  shoot  at  least  six  slugs  the  size  of  a 
corn  cob  into  the  brute's  frame.  If  he  sur- 
vives the  dose  the  next  procedure  is  to  locate 
a  tall  tree  and  swarm  up  the  same  without 

130] 


Bear  Hunting 

stopping  to  expectorate  on  the  hands  more 
than  once.  If  you  have  remembered  to  carry 
your  gun  in  your  teeth  you  may  later  in  the 
day  succeed  in  getting  enough  lead  into  the 
bear  to  cause  a  death  in  his  family. 

Bears  have  a  fondness  for  honey  and  in- 
fant pork.  It  is  considered  unwise  to  stroll 
idly  about  their  haunts  laden  with  either  of 
these  commodities. 

Upon  observing  a  bear  rise  suddenly  in 
front  of  you,  looking  as  big  as  an  ice  house 
in  a  fog,  the  natural  impulse  is  to  flee.  This, 
of  course,  must  be  resisted  strongly.  Hold 
your  ground  until  you  discover  his  intentions. 
If  they  are  dishonorable  you  are  at  perfect 
liberty  to  saunter  away  from  the  spot.  As- 
sume a  fast  sort  of  saunter  merging  quickly 
into  a  rapid  stroll,  increase  to  a  hurried  glide 
and  end  in  a  pale  blue  streak.  In  this  man- 
ner you  have  an  even  chance  of  beating  him 
out  of  the  state. 

Should  a  bear  take  up  a  position  beneath 
a  tree  when  you  are  up  in  the  foliage  gather- 
ing fruit  or  nuts  and  unarmed,  do  not  yell  or 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


hoot.  A  sensitive  bear  is  invariably  annoyed 
by  such  conduct  as  this.  A  better  plan  is  to 
break  off  a  large  limb,  whittle  it  down  to  a 
needlepoint  and  stab  the  bear  in  the  ear. 
This  usually  drives  him  off,  but  in  case  he 
remains,  try  dangling  your  socks  in  front  of 
his  nose.  This  will  most  generally  knock  a 
young  bear  stiff,  while  old  ones  have  been 
known  to  vacate  the  premises  with  a  noise 
like  a  choking  steer. 

Some  men  have  walked  up  to  a  grizzly 
bear  and  yanked  out  his  eyebrows.  These 
heroes  will  be  found  leaning  up  against  the 
bar  down  at  the  saloon. 

The  writer  once  attended  the  funeral  of 
a  Swede  who  had  kicked  a  bear  to  death 
with  his  boots.  The  Swede  was  in  three 
pieces. 

A  bear's  hide  makes  a  nice  rug  for  the  baby 
to  drop  molasses  candy  on,  and  the  skull  is 
handy  for  papa  to  trip  over  when  he  rolls  in 
at  3  A.M.  A  bear  is  useful  for  three  things, 
as  wrestling  mates  for  Italians,  studies  for 
comic  artists  and  for  taking  the  conceit  out 
132] 


Bear  Hunting 

of  bulldogs.  An  adult  bear  will  take  the  con- 
ceit out  of  one  bulldog  a  minute  for  twenty- 
four  hours,  and  be  fresh  at  the  wind-up. 

P.  S.     Never  tickle  a  tame  bear  with  a 
hat  pin. 


SKUNK  HUNTING 


SKUNK  HUNTING 

THE  skunk  is  a  small  pestiferous  insect  of 
pastoral  tastes  and  quiet,  retiring  hab- 
its. He  is  a  beautiful  animal  to  look  at — 
from  afar.  Dark  complected,  with  broad 
bands  of  dazzling  white  running  rapidly  down 
his  spinal  column,  he  resembles  a  Fido  at- 
tired in  a  bathing  suit  or  a  sweater. 

Though  lovely  to  gaze  upon,  the  skunk  is 
an  unreliable  fowl  to  fondle.  No  matter 
what  the  struggle  to  refrain  from  cultivating 
the  animal's  acquaintance,  it  will  repay  you 
a  hundredfold.  Even  if  you  find  a  sociable 
skunk  on  your  doorstep  it  is  wise  to  ignore 
it  and  go  back  to  the  grocery. 

Society  is  a  queer  thing  and  if  it  gets  wind 
that  you  are  meeting  skunks  on  terms  of 
familiarity  there  will  be  some  talk.  As  a 
skunk  has  no  earthly  right  or  license  to  exist 
it  is  well  to  consider  a  few  of  the  more  popu- 
lar and  safe  ways  of  exterminating  him.  A 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


real  safe  method  is  to  watch  him  closely  and 
let  him  die  of  old  age  and  rheumatism.  This, 
however,  requires  extreme  fortitude  and 
patience. 

Most  methods  of  hunting  this  animal  have 
drawbacks  that  render  them  hazardous,  and 
in  some  localities  to  hunt  a  skunk  and  succeed 
is  considered  a  distinct  breach  of  etiquette, 
punishable  by  fine  or  imprisonment  in  the  pest 
house  at  the  judge's  discretion. 

By  discovering  skunks  a  man  may  easily 
get  himself  into  very  bad  odor  with  his  ac- 
quaintances. 

Upon  meeting  a  skunk  on  the  highway  or 
in  any  public  place  the  greatest  precaution 
should  be  exercised.  Never  appear  sur- 
prised, excited,  worried  or  harassed  in  a 
skunk's  presence.  Wear  a  calm,  stern  ex- 
pression and  a  careless,  indifferent  air.  Smile 
gaily,  showing  as  much  of  the  gold  filling  in 
your  teeth  as  possible.  Skunks  like  a  cheer- 
ful person  and  will  become  fast  friends — if 
he  can  keep  up. 

A  nervous,  hysterical  man  has  no  show 
138] 


Skunk  Hunting 


with  a  skunk.  He  is  certain  to  get  pounced 
upon  and  dragged  away  to  the  animal's  lair 
for  the  young  ones  to  play  tag  with. 

A  skunk  is  a  very  influential  animal — his 
influence  is  often  felt  over  an  entire  township. 
Skunks  have  a  predilection  for  education,  and 
will  remain  under  a  schoolhouse  for  hours 
while  the  schoolma'am  and  the  scholars  har- 
vest flowers  half  a  mile  up  the  highway. 

A  fine  way  to  kill  a  skunk  is 
to  bribe  the  young  son  of  the 
Stockson  Bonds  family  to  go  in 
and  tap  him  smartly  with  a  lath. 
You  will  get  a  prominence  that 
you  never  before  dreamed  of. 

A  skunk,  though  shrewd,  is 
easily  trapped.  Set  the  trap  in 
a  disused  nest  in  the  hen  house. 
Watching  the  trap  is  unneces- 
sary— intuition  will  advise  you 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


when  the  game  is  caught.  After  being 
trapped  in  this  manner  the  skunk  is  killed 
by  setting  fire  to  the  hen  house.  In  doing 
this  be  careful  not  to  jostle  the  skunk's 
brother. 

A  skunk  is  harmless  when  his  hide  is  made 
into  an  overcoat,  but  even  then  a  cautious  man 
will  sidestep. 


140] 


OSTRICH  HUNTING 


OSTRICH  HUNTING 

THE  ostrich  hails  from  Austria,  Aus- 
tralia, Oshkosh  and  other  tropical  and 
semi-explored  localities.  It  is  manufactured 
in  the  popular  dip-front  style  of  architecture 
and  stands  about  twenty-seven  hands  high  in 
its  bare  feet. 

Considering  that  its  center  of  gravity  is  so 
far  removed  from  the  world  the  ostrich  is  a 
most  graceful  contrivance.  Although  a  large 
bird  the  ostrich  has  wings  that  would  make 
a  Plymouth  Rock  hen  ashamed  of  herself. 
Without  the  voluminous  tufts  of  feathers 
that  adorn  it  the  bird  would  be  a  very  raw 
and  uninteresting  proposition,  but  Nature  has 
kindly  upholstered  its  roof  and  cupola  with  a 
foliage  that  makes  society  eagerly  seek  it. 

Some  ostriches  are  taller  than  others — 
some  have  their  bodies  situated  so  far  up  in 
the  air  that  their  legs  are  barely  able  to  reach 

[143 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


the  ground.  At  the  lower  extremity  of  each 
limb  the  ostrich  has  an  attachment  resembling 
a  smoked  ham.  This  is,  however,  used  as  a 
foot.  An  ostrich  can  swing  his  foot  against 
a  man's  corpus  delicti  with  force  enough  to 
make  him  think  he  has  met  Maud  the 
Mule. 

For  this  reason  an  ostrich  must  always  be 
approached  on  the  bias  with  fear  and  trem- 
bling and  a  hickory  club  with  a  knot  in  it. 
Only  the  blind,  the  idiot,  and  the  intentional 
suicide  will  walk  up  to  an  ostrich  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets. 

The  ostrich  has  a  beak  capable  of  deliver- 
ing a  blow  estimated  at  seven  hundred  foot- 
pounds. This  is  equivalent  to  carrying  two 
barrels  of  Ben  Davis  apples  up  a  slippery 
stair  with  ninety-seven  narrow  steps  in  it. 

Although  it  is  supposed  that  ostriches  have 
inhabited  the  earth  since  earliest  antiquity,  it 
is  authentically  stated  that  they  were  first  dis- 
covered by  the  cook  on  one  of  Columbus' 
ships.  This  individual,  Pedro  Profundo  by 
name,  was  heaving  a  bucket  of  potato  peel- 
144] 


"With  force  enough  to  make  him  think  he 
has  met  Maud  the  Mule." 


Ostrich  Hunting 


ings  overboard  one  morning  when  he  saw  an 
ostrich  running  along  the  beach.  He  was 
racing  the  waves  which  were  also  running 
along  the  beach.  Columbus  took  a  crate  of 
them  back  home  but  they  are  now  dead. 

On  its  native  sands  the  ostrich  is  captured 
in  a  unique  manner.  The  hunter,  having 
located  the  bird  on  its  nest,  which  is  a  spot 
on  the  desert,  conceals  himself  until  it  gets 
hungry  and  goes  out  to  lunch.  He  then 
scampers  in  and  tucks  the  eggs  into  his 
apron  and  retires  briskly.  In  due  time  the 
eggs  matriculate  and  young  ostriches  appear. 
They  are  wobbly  in  the  running  gear  but  a 
careful  diet  of  broken  glass  and  crockery 
soon  causes  them  to  brace  up.  Coarser  food 
is  used  after  the  sixth  week. 

When  closely  pursued  the  ostrich  will  stick 
his  head  inside  the  crust  of  the  earth.  He  is 
then  easily  inserted  into  a  banana  crate  or  a 
sugar  barrel.  The  bird  is  very  sprightly  on 
its  feet  and  can  run  like  a  hound  with  a  tomato 
can  tied  to  his  reverse.  It  is  never  safe  to 
tamper  with  an  ostrich's  affections.  Also 

[145 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


never  allow  one  to  investigate  your  anatomy 
and  pedigree  without  a  strong  letter  of  intro- 
duction. Keep  away  and  save  your  friends 
the  worry  and  trouble  of  basting  you  together 
again. 


146] 


CROCODILE  HUNTING 


CROCODILE  HUNTING 

ANY  one  who  has  sat  up  to  a  steaming 
section  of  crocodile  wishbone  can  well 
imagine  the  scramble  that  ensues  when  the 
open  season  on  this  delectable  game  comes 
around  and  they  can  be  killed  on  the  fly,  set 
or  swim. 

A  young,  light-complected  crocodile  of 
good  lineage  and  regular  habits  makes  an 
exceedingly  toothsome  mess,  but  great  care 
must  be  taken  at  all  times  to  avoid  a  helping 
from  a  wart-eyed  old  Methuselah  who  re- 
members the  battle  of  Lake  Erie. 

The  crocodile  has  a  very  annoying  pen- 
chant for  lurking  in  the  slimy  depths  of 
streams  and  ponds  cocked  and  ready  to  spring 
out  and  bite  the  stuffing  out  of  the  passer-by. 
This  peculiar  characteristic  disqualifies  him 
for  an  intimate  and  abiding  friendship. 

A  crocodile  is  as  game  as  a  pug  dog  looks, 
and  will  bite  with  equal  enthusiasm  a  school- 

[149 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


ma'am  or  a  wheelbarrow.  He  is  sociable  in 
the  extreme  and  will  rub  his  back  on  the 
under  side  of  your  boat  in  the  most  friendly 
manner  possible.  He  is  playful,  like  a 
maiden  aunt.  If  you  notice  a  barrel  or  two 
of  muddy  water  tear  loose  and  flop  into  your 
lap  it  is  because  a  humorous  crocodile  is  hav- 
ing fun  with  you.  This  rollicking  side  of  the 
beast's  nature  makes  rubber  pants  a  necessity 
in  regions  infested  by  him. 

A  crocodile,  being  constructed  like  a  sofa, 
is  not  a  gazelle  on  terra  firma  (Irish  for 
land)  and  may  be  caught  with  the  naked 
hands  by  any  person  who  can  run  a  hundred 
yards  in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it.  It 
is  rarely  done,  however,  as  it  is  bad  for  the 
hands.  Crocodiles  are  frequently  found 
asleep,  having  rolled  out  of  the  bed  of  the 
river.  To  wake  a  crocodile  up  kick  it 
severely  on  the  eyeball.  A  better  way  is  to 
let  an  acquaintance  kick  it.  A  still  better 
plan  is  to  get  a  mule,  insure  him  to  the  limit 
against  accident,  fire  and  lightning,  and  let 
the  mule  perform  the  dirty  work.  It  will  be 
150] 


Crocodile  Hunting 


amusing  to  you  and  means  money  for  the 
mule. 

A  fat,  shiny  negro  baby  is  the  most  se- 
ductive lure  ever  discovered  for  this  game. 
The  bait  is  staked  out  back  of  an  old  cane 
mill  on  the  bayou  (yow,  as  in  cow)  not  for- 
getting to  hand  the  fond  parents  a  quarter  to 
ease  their  pangs.  In  the  course  of  pretty 
suddenly  the  bayou  (as  previously)  will 
crack  open  like  a  frosted  pumpkin  dropped 
out  of  a  fifth  story  window.  This  is  a  crit- 
ical moment,  as  the  game  has  appeared.  The 
hunter  draws  a  bead.  He  can  do  this  with 
red  crayon  or  charcoal  as  suits  his  conven- 
ience. As  a  crocodile's  vitals  are  about  the 
size  of  a  nickel's  worth  of  rock  candy  and 
are  located  midway  between  his  hind  knees 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


and  his  eyebrows,  it  is  a  serious  proposition 
to  hit  him  where  he  exists. 

A  crocodile  is  never  dead  until  a  day  or 
two  after  you  kill  him.  After  killing  one, 
wait  an  hour  and  kill  him  again. 

The  tail  of  a  crocodile  can  deliver  a  swat 
that  sounds  like  a  Presidential  boom  going 
off  under  a  barrel. 

In  the  Black  Belt  the  natives  have  an  amus- 
ing custom  of  sneaking  up  on  a  crocodile  in 
his  sleep  and  propping  his  features  open  with 
a  rake  or  a  sawbuck.  This  places  the  animal 
at  their  mercy,  and  by  tossing  sand  or  cockle- 
burrs  down  his  throat  he  becomes  so  tickled 
that  he  bursts  a  blood  vessel  and  expires 
laughing  to  the  last. 


152] 


DEER  HUNTING 


DEER  HUNTING 

DEER  hunting,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  is 
the  most  deadly  sport  indulged  in  by 
the  human  race.  The  mortality  among  deer 
hunters  is  estimated  at  about  one  in  every 
bunch  of  fifteen  that  go  into  the  woods.  This 
is  about  equal  to  the  mortality  of  bubonic 
plague. 

The  deer  is  a  peculiar  animal,  its  appear- 
ance being  similar  to  a  Jersey  heifer  trained 
down  to  the  welterweight  limit.  They  are 
very  nimble  on  their  feet,  and  some  of  them 
wear  a  set  of  horns  that  resemble  a  pine  tree 
struck  by  lightning.  Being  stabbed  by  a 
deer's  horn  is  about  as  disconcerting  as  being 
run  over  by  a  hand  car  loaded  with  eight 
drunken  Irishmen. 

The  deer,  being  of  a  retiring  habit,  is  found 
in  the  depths  of  the  forests,  particularly  those 
of  the  northerly  states.  Here  it  is  that  deer 

[155 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


hunting  in  its  ghastliest  form  is  enacted.  The 
regulation  deer  hunter  is  a  man  of  sure  eye, 
rapid  action  and  unerring  aim.  He  must  be 
a  human  Catling  gun.  If  anything  wiggles, 
his  cue  is  to  fire  at  once  or  he  may  get  left. 
A  deer  never  poses  in  costume  for  a  man  to 
try  fancy  shots  at — no,  sir.  Ever  and  anon 
it  happens  that  you  sink  a  slug  into  the  guide 
or  some  farmer  who  has  no  business  to  be 
snooping  around  on  his  land  while  you  are 
hunting  deer. 

This  is,  of  course,  a  rare  joke  on  the 
farmer  and  a  dollar  bill  usually  squares  it. 
It  is  safe,  however,  to  avaunt  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible after  tendering  the  bill.  In  avaunting 
it  is  a  capital  idea  to  keep  one  eye  skewed 
around  on  the  victim  and  to  use  a  long,  fast, 
and  steady  stride  that  eats  up  distance  like  a 
hungry  tramp  at  work  on  a  mince  pie. 

A  man  rambling  about  without  an  escort 
in  a  deer  country  and  without  fog  signals 
going  at  intervals  of  every  three  minutes  is 
guilty  of  criminal  negligence,  and  if  not 
floored  at  the  first  fire  the  hunter  is  allowed 
156] 


Deer  Hunting 

by  law  another.  Never  be  disheartened  if 
you  have  to  shoot  the  second  time. 

Once  in  a  while  you  will  detect  something 
go  by  with  the  audible  earmarks  of  a  bumble 
bee.  This  is  a  bad  symptom  to  have,  and 
the  remedy  is  to  dig  a  small  cellar  and  jump 
into  it  without  delay.  Inserting  yourself  into 
a  hollow  log  or  an  abandoned  coal  mine  is  a 
first-class  proceeding  in  a  case  of  this  kind. 

The  deer  hunter  uses  a  weapon  that  is  guar- 
anteed to  kill  at  a  mile  and  severely  lacerate 
the  feelings  at  twice  that  distance.  A  good 
gun  will  send  a  quarter  of  a  pound  of  lead 
through  a  two-foot  tree  and  pot  a  man  lurk- 
ing on  the  far  side.  Only  the  best  guns  do 
this,  however,  so  accept  no  substitutes. 

Fraternize  with  the  resident  Indian  and 
log-men  whenever  possible  to  do  so,  as  they 
are  hospitable  and  can  frequently  inform  you 
where  you  can  most  likely  land  your  man. 
By  accepting  their  invitation  to  stay  over 
night  you  will  wake  up  next  morning  thor- 
oughly honeycombed,  and  with  a  gnawing 
sensation  in  your  midst.  This  will  not  be 

[157 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


caused  by  appetite  either.  The  number  and 
variety  of  population  that  can  subsist  upon 
the  human  form  in  comparative  affluence  is 
simply  amazing  until  one  has  slept  in  a  lum- 
ber camp. 

Upon  wounding  a  deer  run  right  up  and 
straddle  his  neck.  In  this  manner  you  can 
soon  learn  whether  he  is  dead  or  not. 

After  really  killing  a  deer,  the  usual  cus- 
tom is  to  toss  it  airily  over  the  left  shoulder 
and  lug  it  to  camp.  This,  of  course,  gives 
the  other  boys  plenty  of  target  practice  and 
furnishes  you  with  the  groundwork  for  an 
exciting  trip. 

Never  be  found  with  a  deer's  carcass  con- 
cealed about  your  person  when  they  are  not 
ripe  by  law.  It  is  a  bad  breach  of  etiquette 
and  should  be  avoided. 


158] 


FOX  HUNTING 


FOX  HUNTING 

THIS  is  where  a  man  makes  his  will, 
buries  it,  kisses  the  cook  and  children 
good-by  and  otherwise  prepares  for  a  vio- 
lent and  speedy  demise.  All  business  affairs 
should  be  scrupulously  closed  and  padlocked 
before  undertaking  a  fox  hunt. 

The  "  properties  "  in  this  sport  are  simple, 
consisting  of  a  very  keen  horse,  that  is,  one 
whose  spine  resembles  a  sickle  or  a  razor,  a 
bright  red  coat,  plum-colored  pants  and,  of 
course,  a  fox.  In  general  practice  the  lat- 
ter, being  unimportant,  is  dispensed  with. 

William,  the  hired  man,  inserts  you  into 
the  coat  and  pants  and  goes  through  the 
pockets  of  your  cast-offs  while  you  are  enjoy- 
ing yourself  in  the  mirror.  If  you  are  a  man 
of  experience  you  will  carefully  conceal  a 
feather  cushion  in  the  after-hold  of  your 
trousers  as  a  precautionary  measure.  This 
is  a  great  help  when  you  miss  the  saddle  and 

[161 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


land  on  the  horse's  jagged  backbone,  and  is 
sure  to  please  you. 

Should  there  be  ladies  in  the  party,  William 
will  neatly  pad  your  calves  with  cork  or  saw- 
dust for  a  moderate  consideration.  Be  very 
careful  not  to  rip  your  stockings  after  being 
thus  padded,  as  the  spectacle  of  a  man's  lower 
limbs  leaking  sawdust  is  not  the  pleasantest 
thing  in  the  world. 

Being  fully  attired  for  the  fray  you  are 
led  out  and  introduced  to  your  steed — a  hun- 
gry-looking brute  known  as  Cassius.  After 
going  twenty  yards  you  corrupt  this  noble 
old  title  to  Case-Knife  and  find  it  suits  the 
horse  better.  In  the  background  you  will 
observe  a  loud-voiced,  tired-looking  man  be- 
ing dragged  through  a  stake-and-rider  fence 
by  twenty-two  large,  spotted  dogs.  This 
man  is  the  master  of  the  foxhounds  and  this 
is  his  style  of  mastering  them. 

The  fox's  latitude  and  longitude  having 
been  figured  out  the  dogs  are  let  loose  and  the 
plot  thickens.  Reynard  (which  is  the  same 
thing  as  fox)  leaps  from  his  mossy  lair  (a 
162] 


A  fox  horse  once  started  is  worse  than 
the  liquor  habit " 


Fox  Hunting 

culvert)  and  departs  hastily.  In  leaving,  the 
fox  always  leaves  a  scent  on  the  ground  which 
the  dogs  at  once  pick  up.  If  it  was  a  nickel 
the  dogs  wouldn't  touch  it. 

The  dogs  follow  the  fox  toward  a  fence 
half  a  mile  off  and  the  cadaverous  horses 
press  close  behind.  The  riders  cling  by  teeth 
and  toe  nail  while  their  steeds  take  the  bit  in 
their  fangs  and  mount  hedges  ten  to  fifteen 
feet  high,  vault  creeks,  duck  under  branches, 
wallow  through  quicksands,  plowed  ground 
and  cockleburrs.  A  fox  horse  once  started 
is  worse  than  the  liquor  habit — you  can't 
stop  it. 

Up  one  side  of  the  country  and  down  the 
other  the  chase  continues,  enlivened  by  the 
cheery  "  View  Halloo  "  and  plain,  ordinary, 
serviceable  cuss-words  from  those  who  are 
divorced  from  their  saddles.  At  length, 
after  eleven  weeks  of  hard  riding  the  fox  is 
run  to  earth.  This  does  not  mean  that  the 
fox  has  been  flying  all  this  time — oh,  no. 

The  riders  dash  briskly  up  and  yell,  while 
their  steeds  put  in  the  time  puffing  like 

[163 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


grampuses.  Some  one  hacks  the  foliage  off 
the  fox  and  then  the  hunters  all  toot  their 
tin  horns  and  rattles.  After  this  they  go 
home  and  put  on  their  working  pants. 

There  is  a  strict  etiquette  of  fox  hunting 
that  must  be  adhered  to — the  following  rules 
will  be  found  useful : 

Never  catch  the  fox  in  the  hands  without 
first  securing  permission  of  the  host. 

Always  carry  a  sandwich  and  a  link  of 
bologna  in  the  hat,  as  you  may  get  decoyed 
a  long  ways  from  a  lunch  counter. 

In  vaulting  a  hedge  or  a  barn  and  your 
horse  throws  you,  land  on  your  feet  and  catch 
the  animal  in  your  arms  as  he  comes  over. 

Never  go  through  open  gates  if  you  can 
jump  a  prickly  hedge  near  by.  The  horse 
enjoys  the  sensation,  and  you  should  be 
humane  to  your  horse. 

Cultivate  the  fox's  acquaintance — it  will 
be  easier  caught. 


164] 


CHICKEN  HUNTING 


CHICKEN  HUNTING 

PRAIRIE  chicken,  grouse,  Swede  pheas- 
ant, stubble  duck,  and  various  other 
synonymous  appellations  are  brought  to  bag 
easily — on  paper.  With  a  stub  pen  and  a 
pad  of  hard-sized  paper  a  man  having  no 
regard  for  ink  will  do  more  execution  in 
twenty  minutes  than  the  deepest-dyed  game- 
hog  could  in  a  week.  A  naturally  modest 
man  has  been  known  to  slaughter  prairie 
chickens  (on  paper,  that  is)  at  a  rate  averag- 
ing six  per  minute  for  hours  at  a  stretch, 
while  he  makes  doubles  across  thirty-acre 
hoglots  without  the  slightest  difficulty — if  his 
pen  is  working  right. 

Hunting  chickens  on  paper  gives  a  man  a 
distinct  advantage  over  the  other  method. 
The  fields  are  always  covered  with  chickens 
like  a  speckled  blanket.  The  dog — Hat 
Rack  out  of  Slap  Bang  by  Ping  Pong  the 

[167 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


Second — performs  like  a  working  model  of 
a  rotary  engine — absolutely  perfect.  The 
gun  kills  farther  than  a  brick  cheese  ever 
dared  to.  The  chrome-tanned  hunting  shoes 
(in  this  case  being  brilliant  carmine  socks) 
fit  perfectly  and  shed  everything  from  cockle- 
burrs  to  tears. 

In  the  evening  the  hunter  goes  home  (takes 
another  jab  at  the  ink)  and  folds  himself  into 
a  rocking  chair  to  review  the  day's  sport  be- 
hind a  cloud  of  fragrant  cabbagio  smoke.  It 
is  great  fun — hunting  on  paper.  No  early 
risings  and  hastily  snatched  breakfasts.  No 
arguments  with  obstinate  land  proprietors, 
and  never  any  scarcity  of  game.  And  best 
of  all — no  feathers  or  innards  to  wrestle  with 
late  at  night  when  your  physical  system  is  up 
on  its  hind  paws  hollering  for  sleep. 

Although  the  supply  of  this  noble  game 
has  dwindled  till  the  hunt  for  it  resembles  an 
act  from  a  weary  farce  we  may  profitably  sug- 
gest a  few  hints  to  beginners. 

After  deciding  to  hunt  chickens,  tie  up 
your  high-salaried  dog  and  borrow  a  good, 
168] 


y 

J§- 
v 
>•» 


PL, 
S 


Chicken  Hunting 


mangy  pup  from  the  coal  heaver.  A  light, 
frolicsome  load  of  number  eight  shot  dex- 
terously countersunk  in  the  animal's  encore 
will  make  him  work  like  a  fiend. 

Carry  the  gun  at  ready,  full  cocked  of 
course.  Don't  neglect  to  have  it  loaded. 
In  the  course  of  time  the  dog  may  arrive  at 
what  is  said  to  be  a  "  point."  Sneak  up  till 
you  can  kick  him  if  he  moves  and  you  will 
observe  that  he  is  pointing  a  last  year's  rabbit 
cadaver.  Promptly  shoot  the  dog  and  he 
will  renew  the  chase,  yelping  with  glee. 

About  4  rzy  P.M.  something  gets  up  at  your 
feet  and  sails  off  with  a  noise  like  a  runaway 
cream  separator.  You  then  kick  yourself 
heavily  and  make  brutal  remarks  concerning 
your  origin  and  aim  in  life,  not  forgetting, 
however,  to  again  perforate  the  dog.  He 
begins  to  enjoy  it  after  a  while  and  will  run 
in  to  draw  your  fire  if  you  overlook  it  longer 
than  thirty  minutes. 

The  only  proper  time  to  shoot  the  dog  is 
upon  scoring  a  clean  miss,  pulling  wrong  trig- 
ger or  attempting  to  fire  when  safety  is  on. 

[169 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


Never  use  buckshot  on  the  dog — it  spoils  the 
hide. 

The  prairie  chicken  travels  in  harems.  It 
is  often  difficult  to  hold  the  gun  correctly 
ahead  of  the  game.  In  such  cases  the  novice 
may  secure  better  results  by  holding  a  board 
ahead  instead. 


170] 


CAT  HUNTING 


CAT  HUNTING 

CATS  are  of  two  kinds — wild  and  Tom. 
Both  are  legitimate  prey  at  all  seasons 
of  the  year,  the  latter  being  eagerly  pursued 
by  a  large  and  rapidly  increasing  number  of 
our  most  prominent  citizens — citizens  to 
whom  all  other  game  is  devoid  of  attraction. 

In  appearance,  habits  and  visible  conduct 
the  two  brands  of  cat  differ  widely.  The 
wild-cat  is  a  stubby,  prick-eared  arrangement, 
upholstered  in  shaggy  zibeline  the  color  of 
the  Circassian  lady's  hair.  His  ears  have 
eyebrows  on  them  and  his  tail  is  short  and 
bushy,  like  a  frazzled  pen-wiper.  This  style 
of  tail  is  much  handier,  however,  than  the 
cadaverous  brand  seen  on  the  ordinary  qui- 
escent Tom,  and  is  undoubtedly  more  easily 
lashed  when  getting  up  a  fury. 

The  wild-cat's  hoofs  are  festooned  with 
assorted  claws  in  all  the  latest  designs  and 
need  but  to  be  felt  to  be  appreciated,  A  full- 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


grown  wild-cat,  sorrowing  over  a  misspent 
life  often  contracts  the  uncomfortable  habit 
of  alighting  on  a  man's  spine  from  the  peak 
of  a  forty-foot  tree.  The  sensation  produced 
is  said  to  resemble  closely  being  hit  by  a 
cotton  gin. 

Raw  spine,  by  the  way,  is  a  wild-cat's 
greatest  hobby.  Any  person  possessing  a 
spine  which  they  desire  preserved  intact 
should  pad  same  systematically  before  ven- 
turing into  dangerous  proximity  to  a  wild- 
cat having  family  troubles  on  his  mind.  A 
large,  rude  wild-cat  once  yanked  three  links 
out  of  a  Swede  corn  husker's  back-bone, 
greatly  to  that  gentleman's  discomfort  and 
chagrin. 

As  to  the  other  brand — the  Tom  cat — he 
arrives  in  a  variety  of  shades  and  colors,  like 
flowers.  Like  flowers,  too,  he  is  abroad  in 
the  spring.  White  ears  and  tail,  attached 
to  a  groundwork  of  black  and  salmon,  with 
a  lavender  chin,  make  a  striking  cat  on  a 
moonlit  evening.  But  on  a  real  dark  night 
the  cat  having  the  foregoing  specifications 
174] 


Cat  Hunting 

cannot  be  told,  by  the  ear,  from  one  colored 
like  an  old  pair  of  jeans  breeches. 

The  tomcat's  habits  are  nocturnal  and  in- 
fernal. When  Morpheus  has  the  world 
choked  down  to  a  gasp  the  festive  Tom  slides 
from  behind  the  barn  and  bursts  into  full 
chorus.  The  symptoms  of  his  presence  are 
so  well  known  that  more  than  casual  mention 
would  be  superfluous.  The  mournful  wail — 
the  moans  that  break  your  heart — the  calliope 
cadenza  that  tear  your  gizzard  into  shreds — 
these  are  all  instantly  recognized  by  the 
reader. 

If  you  are  in  bare  feet  on  a  hard  pine  floor 
with  the  mercury  shrivelled  up  like  a  dividend 
on  oil  well  stock,  it  may  require  some  time 
before  you  perceive  the  cat.  But  he  is  there 
and  presently  you  clamp  eye  on  him  looming 
up  bigger  than  an  embossed  gas  bill. 

Procedure  varies  according  to  the  indi- 
vidual. Some  otherwise  sane  men  have  been 
known  to  throw  the  contents  of  the  bedroom 
out  into  the  back  yard  without  disturbing  the 
cat  in  the  slightest.  Others  jab  a  pillow  into 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


each  ear,  softly  remark  a  stanza  or  so  and 
drop  into  troubled  slumber  dreaming  of 
twenty-seven  luxurious  ways  of  killing  tom- 
cats. 

Recognized  authorities  are  agreed  that 
capital  punishment  is  the  only  remedy  for 
the  troubadour  Tom.  It  is  useless  to  shoot 
the  cat — never  attempt  it.  A  thoroughly- 
shot  cat  will  be  around  on  duty  the  following 
night  as  fresh  as  if  just  in  from  a  vacation  at 
the  seashore. 

Having  passed  the  sentence  of  death  on  the 
cat,  the  essential  thing  is  to  secure  the  corpus 
delicti — that  is,  the  cat.  After  locating  the 
animal's  favorite  roost,  the  spot,  usually  the 
hitching  post,  is  heavily  coated  with  tar. 
This  done,  retire,  not  forgetting  to  stifle 
one  or  two  manly  chuckles  as  you  slip  on  your 
lovely  pink  and  white  nightie. 

Night  draws  on  (not  necessary  to  specify 
what  she  draws  on)  and  the  scene  of  the 
tragedy  becomes  calm.  On  the  post  the 
freshly  laid  tar  yearns  for  its  victim.  In 
the  far  distance  a  sound  is  heard — an  infant 
176] 


One  end  is  connected  with  the  brick- 
the  other  with  the  cat." 


Cat  Hunting 

in  distress  perhaps — or  is  it  a  swain  stabbed 
by  a  faithful  hat  pin?  Nearer  and  still 
nearer  it  comes  until  the  palpitating  silence 
recognizes  its  direst  enemy — the  tomcat. 

With  a  bound  the  cat  vaults  upon  the 
hitching  post  and  settles  himself  cosily  for 
the  evening  rehearsal.  In  the  course  of  half 
an  hour  the  cat  has  formed  an  acquaintance 
with  the  post  that  cannot  be  severed  except 
by  a  spade  and  a  pick-axe. 

Here  the  citizen  comes  on  the  scene.  He 
dissects  the  cat  from  the  post  and  lugs  him 
to  the  brickyard.  He  selects  a  nice,  large 
sun-tanned  brick.  He  next  extracts  from  a 
pocket  a  stout  cord  having  two  ends.  One 
end  is  connected  with  the  brick — the  other 
with  the  cat.  The  brick  is  then  heaved  into 
the  river.  This  is  perfectly  justifiable  and 
approved  by  the  Supreme  Court  of  most  of 
the  States  and  Territories. 


SNIPE  SHOOTING 


SNIPE  SHOOTING 

THIS  is  a  sport  in  which  three  things  are 
of  urgent  importance.  A  quick  eye, 
steady  nerve,  and  a  well-polished  vocabulary 
of  acidulous  expostulation. 

The  snipe,  a  bird  built  on  the  plan  of  a 
magnified  flea,  is  the  only  animal  that  flies 
in  more  than  one  direction  at  one  and  the 
same  time.  In  the  words  of  General  Custer 
at  the  battle  of  Pea  Ridge  the  man  who  pots  a 
snipe  must  arise  early  and  "  go  some." 
Snipe  are  never  hunted  with  clubs,  slungshots, 
salt  or  deputy  sheriffs.  The  huskiest  old  can- 
non you've  got  will  not  be  any  too  huge  for 
this  game.  Pour  in  a  fistful  of  dynamite,  run 
in  the  morning  paper,  then  a  pint  or  two  of 
shot  and  wind  up  by  cramming  in  an  old 
shirt  or  something.  If  the  barrel  of  the  gun 
is  not  yet  full,  put  in  the  ramrod. 

The  snipe  being  located  (theoretically)  the 
gun  is  placed  in  a  horizontal  position  with  the 

[181 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


nether  end  resting  snugly  against  the  right 
shoulder.  In  case  you  shoot  left-handed, 
this  will  be  considered  overruled  for  you. 
When  the  bird  breaks  cover  you  immediately 
scribble  "  Z  "  on  the  atmosphere  with  the 
gun  and  pull  the  trigger.  If  the  gun  scatters 
far  enough  you  may  damage  the  snipe  more 
or  less  severely.  If  not,  you  can  chalk  down 
a  clean  miss. 

Never  shoot  twice  at  the  same  snipe.  Re- 
sults have  never  justified  the  expenditure. 
Only  one  man  is  recorded  to  have  secured  two 
consecutive  shots  at  a  snipe  and  that  one  was 
in  a  cage. 

Never  shoot  on  impulse.  If  your  dog 
suddenly  wiggles  his  tail  do  not  lose  your 
wits  and  shoot  at  the  tail.  Wait  till  the 
snipe  gets  up  about  eight  feet,  aim  for  his 
hip  pocket  and  grit  your  teeth  as  you  fire.  A 
strong  gun  will  throw  shot  lively  enough  to 
bruise  the  bird's  rear  elevation  a  trifle,  but  the 
ordinary  farm  weapon  is  generally  twenty 
minutes  late. 

The  snipe's  reprehensible  habit  of  yelling 
182] 


Snipe  Shooting 

"  'Scaped  "  just  as  soon  as  he  jumps  from  his 
lair  is  a  most  disconcerting  item  to  nervous 
shooters.  By  the  time  the  howitzer  has  been 
trained  and  discharged  a  good  healthy  snipe 
in  the  prime  of  early  manhood  will  be  zig- 
zagging through  the  jungle  two  miles  away. 
Carrying  the  gun  cocked  is  advisable — pro- 
viding your  finger  don't  get  cramps  and  an 
injury  occur  to  a  friend's  adjacent  precincts 
thereby. 

The  usual  snipe  load  is  three  fingers  of 
powder,  heel  of  a  felt  boot,  eleven  hundred 
No.  9  shot,  another  boot  heel  and  well 


[183 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


crimped.     A  man  and  team  will  haul  in  all 
you  kill  for  a  small  fee. 

A  man  must  start  in  bright  and  early  if  he 
intends  to  get  a  full  mess  of  snipe  before  sun- 
down. A  bushel  basket  of  snipe  will  dress 
about  a  pint  and  a  half.  Ninety  per  cent,  of 
them  are  feathers.  A  man  can  shoot  a  duck 
at  an  average  outlay  of  three  cents.  To  kill 
enough  snipe  to  equal  a  duck  he  will  spend 
in  the  neighborhood  of  seventy  cents  and  miss 
two  meals.  Watch  the  man  who  hunts  snipe 
— the  chances  are  strong  he  is  robbing  the 
bank. 


184] 


WHALING 


WHALING 

WHALING  is  one  of  the  most  exciting 
sports  known,  and  its  followers  find 
it  far  more  insidious  than  the  drink  habit. 
Those  who  have  had  the  pleasure  of  hooking 
a  young  and  passionate  whale  in  its  native  ele- 
ment (where,  by  the  way,  it  generally  stays) 
pronounce  the  sport  thrilling  to  the  highest 
degree.  Besides  furnishing  sport  to  the 
angler  the  whale  is  a  highly  prized  article 
of  commerce  for  the  reason  that  he  is  com- 
posed principally  of  whale  bone  and  whale 
meat. 

The  man  who  would  land  a  whale  arises 
at  an  exceedingly  remote  period  of  the  morn- 
ing. Having  selected  a  light,  trim  thirty- 
two-foot  telephone  pole,  a  three-foot  lawn 
hose  reel,  six  hundred  feet  of  tarred  manilla 
rope  and  a  dory  anchor,  he  rigs  up  his  tackle. 

If  the  morning  is  cloudy  the  proper  caper 
in  the  bait  line  is  the  last  half  of  a  dark  bay 

[187 


The  Sportsman's  Primer 


cabhorse.  If  clear  weather,  use  a  brindle 
steer  with  the  tassel  still  on  the  tail.  Cast 
from  the  stern  of  the  boat,  using  a  delicate 
wrist  movement  that  brings  the  bait  skim- 
ming lightly  over  the  water. 

The  favorite  haunts  of  whales  are  the  deep 
pools  in  the  ocean  beneath  overhanging 
wreckage.  Carefully  fish  all  such  spots,  tak- 
ing care  to  keep  the  bait  as  fresh  and  natural 
as  possible. 

If  you  have  followed  instructions  closely 
it  will  not  be  long  before  you  detect  a  nibble. 
This  feels  something  like  being  pulled  through 
a  picket  fence  by  a  pet  bull.  Do  not  act  too 
hastily — give  him  time — give  him  time!  A 
whale  is  a  most  fastidious  creature,  but  by 
slowly  drawing  the  bait  through  the  water 
in  imitation  of  a  drowning  section  hand,  you 
will  dispel  his  fears. 

When  he  finally  opens  up  and  shuts  down 
on  your  hook  you  will  notice  a  feeling  of 
weight  and  a  dull  sinking  sensation  at  the 
apex  of  the  digestive  system.  Strike  imme- 
diately, throwing  your  right  leg  across  the 
188] 


O 


Whaling 

reel  to  control  his  first  rush.  By  bearing 
down  till  your  pants  catch  fire  you  may  stop 
him  and  you  may  not. 

This  is  the  most  critical  moment  in  whal- 
ing. Finding  himself  checked,  the  infuri- 
ated animal  dashes  back  intent  on  vengeance. 
Unless  thwarted  he  is  liable  to  create  a  dis- 
turbance among  your  heirs,  and  you  must 
therefore  act  promptly.  When  the  whale  is 
within  fifteen  feet  of  you,  coming  head-on, 
suddenly  unfurl  a  bright  red  umbrella  and 
jab  it  at  him.  At  the  same  time  yell  "  Scat !  " 
as  loudly  as  possible.  No  whale  yet  ob- 
served can  stand  this  treatment,  and  inside  of 
ten  minutes  he  will  expire  of  a  broken  heart. 
You  can  then  reel  him  in  like  a  pail  of  mud 
from  a  well. 

Occasionally  a  whale  will  be  found  whose 
tactics  are  of  the  waiting  kind.  In  this  case 
you  should  have  several  days'  food  supply  on 
hand,  as  it  will  take  time.  A  nice  plump 
whale  makes  a  fine  mess  for  a  family  of  about 
two  hundred  and  fifty. 

[189 


Set  up,   Eiectrotyped  and  Printed  at 

THE    OUTING    PRESS 
DEPOSIT,  NEW  YORK 


CENTRAL  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 

University  of  California,  San  Diego 

DATE  DUE 


rftklT 

SIN1 

r~*f\C. 

JUL    5* 

.  ..^4  *Q  «"• 

»O  M^' 

AU6  08  1986 

C/J9 

UCSD  Libr. 

DC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  807  072     4 


